


In which Enjolras makes a group chat

by xiamer



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, American Grantaire, American Éponine, Enjolras and Cosette Fauchelevent are Siblings, Enjolras and Cosette Fauchelevent are Twins, Enjolras listens to Lorde, Established Relationship, F/F, Group Chat Fic, M/M, Multi, Texting, everyone else is french, kinda plotless tbh, literally suck my non existent dick victor hugo, this is simply to spite you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24819934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiamer/pseuds/xiamer
Summary: Enjolras has created a new group chat.Enjolras has added Bahorel, Bossuet, Combeferre, Cosette, Courfeyrac, Éponine, Feuilly, Grantaire, Jehan, Joly,  Marius, and Musichetta to the conversation.Enjolras re-named the conversation “Les Amis de l’ABC”A kind of plotless gc fic because I’m a sucker for those
Relationships: Bahorel/Feuilly (Les Misérables), Combeferre/Courfeyrac (Les Misérables), Cosette Fauchelevent/Éponine Thénardier, Enjolras/Grantaire (Les Misérables), Javert/Jean Valjean, Joly/Bossuet Laigle/Musichetta, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 174
Kudos: 164





	1. I came out here to have a good time, and I am honestly feeling so attacked rn - Enjolras

**Author's Note:**

> hey !!
> 
> so im basically writing this fic whenever i get writers block for my main one
> 
> (Life’s greatest happiness it to be convinced we are loved - if you’re interested :)))
> 
> so yeah ! this fic is gonna be pretty self indulgent and fun for me to write
> 
> i hope you enjoy, and if you like it feel free to leave comments or kudos; they honestly make me so happy

**_Enjolras_ ** _has created a new group chat._

**_Enjolras_ ** _has added_ **_Bahorel, Bossuet, Combeferre, Cosette, Courfeyrac, Éponine, Feuilly, Grantaire, Jehan, Joly, Marius,_ ** _and_ **_Musichetta_ ** _to the conversation._

**_Enjolras_ ** _re-named the conversation “Les Amis de l’ABC”_

**Enjolras:** Alright, hello everyone. I have created this chat to make sure everyone is informed and up to date on all of our information regarding Les Amis de l’ABC. 

**_Courfeyrac_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Courfeyrac_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ **

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enj

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** my sweet bb darling enjy 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** y do u need to sound so formal all the time

**Enjolras** : I need to maintain a professional appearance at all times, Courfeyrac. This includes through text message conversations, even with friends. 

**_Bahorel_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Bahorel_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Bruh_ **

**Bruh** : oh cmon there’s no need to be like that dude 

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged on!_

**Combeferre** : E, I agree that it’s important to maintain a professional front, however, you’re amongst friends; there is really no need for the formal language

**Bruh** : ferre u literally talk the same way 

**Combeferre** : Hombre, at least I use contractions 

**Bruh** : that’s fair

**Bruh** : carry on w ur business dad

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jehan** : courf why are you criticising enjolras for talking like that but not saying shit abt ferre 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** cuz when ferre does it it's hot af

**Combeferre** : <3

**Bruh** : gross

**_Feuilly_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Feuilly_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Foo Fighter_ **

**Enjolras** : Feuilly, what is a “Foo Fighter”?

**Bruh** : omfg

**Foo Fighter** : Foo Fighters is an American band

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : u don’t kno foo fighters ?????

**Enjolras** : I have never found much interest in American pop culture. 

**Enjolras** : And besides, I hardly listen to mainstream music anyway. 

**_Grantaire_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Grantaire_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_R_ **

**R** : apollo literally only listens to french music

**R** : like 

**R** : ive genuinely seen him loop “La Marseillaise” for like 3 hours straight 

**R** : he either listens to that or to Yves Montand or Édith Piaf

**Bruh** : whomst tf is Yves Montand 

**Combeferre** : He’s an old French singer; he was rather popular from the 40s to his death in the 90s. Édith Piaf was actually the one to discover him originally

**Combeferre** : It’s a little funny actually, since Yves Montand wasn’t even born in France

**Combeferre** : But E practically worships him, and always has

**Enjolras** : He was extremely talented. 

**_Cosette_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Cosette_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Cassette_ **

**Cassette** : Enjolras listens to Lorde

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged off!_

**Bruh** : OMFG OFC U DO

**Enjolras** : Lies and slander. 

**R** : that's a bit hypocritical ain’t it apollo ?

**R** : you’re out here criticising the aristocracy but you partake in listening to Lorde, whose name is derived from the aristocracy 

**Bruh** : R shut tf up 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enjy-poo how could u hide this from me??????

**Combeferre** : I agree; how did we not know this beforehand? We’ve known you for almost two decades, and we only figure this out now?

**Foo Fighter:** Honestly I’m not super surprised tbh, I knew there had to be something up

**Jehan** : enj what’s your favourite song

**Enjolras** : Alright, first off, I am aware of the potential “hypocrisy” of the situation, but Lorde actually critiques many social events, and she does it in a very lovely way. I enjoy her voice. Second off, I never really hid this from anyone, you all just never pay attention to what I listen to. 

**Bruh** : prolly cuz ur always listening to the fucking national anthem

**Enjolras** : It is rude to interrupt people.

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oooooo get em enjy 

**Enjolras** : Thirdly, to answer Johan’s question; my favourite song is “Liability”. 

**Jehan** : oh hmm, i was expecting something from “pure heroine” tbh, but “melodrama” is good too

**_Joly_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Joly_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Jelly Belly_ **

**Jelly Belly** : Omgggggg Enjolras listens to Lorde? I love her sm

**_Bossuet_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Bossuet_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Eagle One_ **

**Eagle One** : u learn something new evry day ig

**R** : eyyyyyyyyy

**R** : parks and rec

**_R_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Andy_ **

**_Andy_ ** _has re-named_ **_Enjolras_ ** _to_ **_Currently Doing That_ **

**Currently Doing That** : Grantaire what is this. 

**Andy** : enj shut the hell up i KNOW you know parks and rec 

**Currently Doing That** : How do you change your name back?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : no 1 tell him

**Currently Doing That** : Courfeyrac, this is not funny. Someone tell me how to change it.

**Bruh** : hang on dude i got u

**_Bruh_** _had re-named_ ** _Currently Doing That_** _to_ ** _Enjol-sassy-ass_**

**Enjol-sassy-ass** : What the hell, Bahorel? I trusted you. 

**Bruh** : cmon chief, loosen up 

**Enjol-sassy-ass** : Combeferre, can you do something?

**Combeferre** : If I must 

**_Combeferre_ ** _has re-named_ **_Enjol-sassy-ass_ ** _to_ **_Lover of Liberté, Lorde and Lesbians_ **

**Lover of Liberté, Lorde and Lesbians:** Et tu, Brutus?

**Foo Fighter** : Oh my god you’re dramatic, no wonder your favourite Lorde song is from “Melodrama”

**_Andy_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_R_ **

**_R_ ** _has re-named_ **_Lover of Liberté, Lorde and Lesbians_ ** _to_ **_E_ **

**R** : don’t say i never did anything for this relationship babe

**E** : See, this is why I’m sleeping with Grantaire and not one of you. 

**R** : you really know how to make a guy feel special apollo 

**Jehan** : as riveting at this has been, my tomato plants look about as thirsty as Courf, so im gonna log off

**Jehan** : see you all later babes 😘

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** wtf

**Bruh** : theyr’re not wrong 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yeah ok but still 

**Combeferre** : Speaking of Courf, I’m heading over to yours and Marius’ place right now, is there anything you want me to bring?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : other than that a$$? naw i don’t think so 

**R** : mom come pick me up im scared 

**Foo Fighter** : Gross

**Foo Fighter** : Oh shit sorry guys, I have work

**Foo Fighter** : B, I’ll see you after?

**Bruh:** ofc

**Foo Fighter** : Alright, see y’all later 

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged off!_

**Bruh:** this is less fun w/out Feuilly 

**Bruh** : aight, imma head out

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ho ho ho looks like we’re the only ones left

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : also ferre i lied could u bring me ice cream 🥺🥺🥺

**Combeferre** : Of course, I’ll be there soon

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** see that?????? 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : my bf brings me ice cream cuz he’s the BEST

**R** : yeah well, enjolras can cook a poptart 

**E** : What the fuck is a poptart.”

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** hjhjfkgkfjhjjhdsb

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : u don’t kno wat a POPTART is??????

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enjy 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : sweetheart 

**E** : I did not make this chat to be attacked in this manner. 

**R** : LeAvE bRiTnEy AlOnE

**E** : Grantaire I’m headed over. 

**R** : okeeeeeeee

**_E_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : how tf does he not kno wut a poptart is

**R** : too american prolly 

**R:** anyway, im gonna go 

**R** : i need to set up my speaker so im blasting “pure heroine” when enj walks in 

**R** : seeya 

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : all by myselffffffff

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** don’t wanna beeeeeee

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** all by myseeEEeEeElFffffffff

**_Éponine_ ** _has logged on!_

**Éponine** : shut the fuck up courf 

**_Éponine_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : :o

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** rude :’((((((

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

 **Jelly Belly** : oh shoot, we’re still logged in

**Eagle One** : lmao i stayed just to lurk 

**Eagle One** : more fun that way

**Eagle One:** anyway, we goin to chetta’s for dinner?

**Jelly Belly** : yessssss :)))))))))))))

**Jelly Belly:** see you there!!!!!!!

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged off!_


	2. A discussion on whether or not Enjolras is a twink, and the conclusion that he is in fact, not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again
> 
> im having a lot of fun with this fic and its a lot more lighthearted and easier to write than my main one
> 
> part of this chapter is just to remind you that end is CANONICALLY a strong badass
> 
> i literally couldn’t stop smiling when i got comments on the first chapter so thank you so much !!

**_Éponine_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Éponine_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Épi-Pen_ **

**Épi-Pen:** backreading this chat was a bitch

**Épi-Pen** : but does enjolras srsly not know what a poptart is ?

**Épi-Pen** : dude me n grantaire LIVED off of those in high school

**_E_ ** _has logged on!_

**E** : We have established that I have no knowledge of American… things. 

**Épi-Pen** : dude massachusetts is literally the least american part of america

**Épi-Pen** : also they have poptarts in france 

**E:** Well, I’ve never seen them in any of the stores in Marais. 

**Épi-Pen** : ok but u go to the hippie stores 

**Épi-Pen** : those dont even know what high fructose corn syrup is

**E** : They are not “hippie stores”. They are simply locally sourced markets. 

**Épi-Pen** : i refuse to believe that youve lived in the gayest part of france for forever but have never had a poptart

**E** : Why are we all so hung up on this?

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged on!_

**Bruh:** because ur bf is american and its pretty much an insult to their entire country to not know what a poptart is 

**Épi-Pen** : nah if he didnt know what a twinkie is, THEN hed offend america 

**E** : I was called that in a nightclub once, I believe. 

**E** : Or was it just a twink? Not too sure about that. 

**Épi-Pen** : WHAT

**Bruh** : ENJ WHAT ???????

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ehjfjgjfodofmwnwbddiqoqkn

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** enjolras what the fuck ??

**E** : Is this not common?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ok first off when were u in a nightclub

**E:** You dragged me to one for my 18th birthday. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh yeah lol

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : but enjy how have you never mentioned this before

**E:** I have no idea what it means. 

**_R_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : enjolras is not a twink

**R** : if he is, hes the scariest fucking twink ive ever seen

**E** : I looked it up, and I agree with R. I am no twink. 

**Épi-Pen** : enj, i love you but you ABSOLUTELY are

**Bruh** : yeah ép is right 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im just here 4 the drama

**E** : I would defend my honour; but alas I have a date with Ferre, so I must go. 

**E** : Defend me well my love <3

**_E_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : should i be concerned that he said he has a date w my bf

**Épi-Pen** : nah a date between ferre and enj would be like a date between enj and sette 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh yuck

**Bruh** : r has been typing for a very long time

**Épi-Pen** : oh fuck

**R** : reasons why my boyfriend is not a twink-

  1. hes like 6’5
  2. he could grow facial hair is he wanted to, but he shaves like a teenage girl
  3. he looks 12 but only without his glasses 
  4. hes hot but thats not a twink thing, that an enjolras thing
  5. twinks are bitchy and enj is bitchy but not in the same way that twinks are
  6. he could defo take down someone with like 50 pounds on him
  7. he’s genuinely terrifying to stand against, and i feel really bad for anyone that does, like thats the reason hes banned from the university library 



**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : bfbfjeeoekfnfhrh

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : what did he DO

**Épi-pen** : fine i concede

**Épi-pen** : you win

**Bruh** : now tell us what enj did to get banned from the library

**R** : okay so basically

**R** : enj was studying for his english class 

**R** : and you guys know how he gets when he has to study for english

**Épi-Pen** : he doesn't discriminate against different races or sexualities but that man definitely oppresses people who speak english

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : omg his english is terrible but im too scared to correct it

**Bruh** : did someone mess w him when he was studying bc if so 

**Bruh** : yikes

**R** : so the whole story-

enj was studying for english, and it was like mid afternoon. so i decided to be a good boyfriend and bring him some coffee so that he didnt pass out. and i get there and i give him his coffee, and we just sorta study together

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** ***jet fuel

**Épi-Pen** : enjs coffee tastes are horrific

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i have no idea how he isnt dead yet

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : he gets like 4 shots of espresso 

**R** : he gets 8

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** WHAT

**Épi-Pen** : WHAT

**Bruh** : WHAT

**R:** anyway

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : no you cant just “anyway” your way out of saying enjolras drinks coffee with EIGHT ESPRESSO SHOTS

**R** : do you want me to finish the story

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : …...yes

**R:** okay so, we were studying, and suddenly this super drunk guy walks in. its like 2 pm and this guy is HAMMERED

**Épi-Pen** : oh god

**R** : so i'm sitting across the table from enj and he collapses into a chair next to me. he starts flirting with me in english but im trying to turn him down as soon as he starts speaking, cause my boyfriend was literally sitting 2 feet in front of me

**R** : but this guy just wont stop. and eventually he tries to get a little handsy

**R** : enj has no clue what this guys saying cause he has the thickest fucking texas accent ive EVER heard, but he can see that im uncomfortable 

**R:** so he calmly stands up and walks over to the guy and the guy gets up and is like, raring for a fight

**R** : the guy goes into a fighting stance, but enj, still calm as hell, hits him in the face with a left hook and then judo flips the guy over the table 

**R** : the only thing he says after breaking a guys nose and flipping him onto a table ?

**R** : which he broke as well btw

**R** : “i think i broke my left hand, do you think combeferre would be willing to help me with writing for a little while”

**Bruh** : holy shit

**Épi-Pen** : i take back everything ive ever said about him

**Épi-Pen** : i take it back, he is NOT A TWINK

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh fuck sometimes i forget enj is actually like super good at fighting

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jelly Belly** : HE TOLD ME HE BROKE IT BECAUSE HE CLOSED IT IN A DOOR

**R** : yeah unless you count a guys nose as a door i dont think so

**_Musichetta_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Musichetta_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_Chetta_ **

**Chetta** : What did you do

**Eagle One** : joly is freaking the fuck out

**Épi-Pen** : backread

**Chetta** : Holy shit

**Chetta** : Don’t ever let that man go 

**R** : wasnt planning on it 

**R** : get urself a man who punches drunk weirdos for u <3

**Bruh** : whats joly freaking out about

**Eagle One** : hes worried that enj might be expelled and now hes more worried about the hand 

**R** : joly knows this was like 

**R** : 8 months ago right

**Jelly Belly** : Yes but it could still be a problem !!!!!!!!!!

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged on!_

**Cassette** : Trust me, they won’t touch Javert’s kid

**Cassette** : He’s the ultimate PTA mom and would throw a fit as if this were his kid being reprimanded in elementary school

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : omg i forget javerts ur dad 

**Bruh** : what ??????

**Eagle One** : hasnt javert arrested enj like 

**Eagle One** : at least 10 times

**Cassette** : Family dinners are fun

**Bruh** : back up

**Bruh** : javerts your dad ??

**Cassette** : Yep, he and papa have been married since the day it became legal

**Eagle One** : how did we not know this 

**R** : enj doesnt wanna admit that hes been arrested by his own dad

**Chetta** : That’s fair

**Cassette** : It took Enjolras like a year to take Grantaire to meet them

**Cassette** : Dad also has yet to meet Ép

**Épi-Pen** : FUCK

**Épi-Pen** : can a french cop arrest an american family of criminals

**Cassette** : Dw babe, if Grantaire can get his approval, you can too

**Épi-Pen** : how the FUCK did r get his approval

**R** : i was basically like “i will help to balance out your radical son and keep him from crossing a line”

**Bruh** : was this before or after the library incident 

**R** : before

**Eagle One** : does he still like you 

**R** : what he doesnt know wont hurt him 

**Cassette** : To be fair, I didn’t know that was why Enjolras broke his hand either

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** ooooooooo things are heating up in the Enjolras-Fauchelevent-Javert-Valjean household

**Bruh** : why do u ALL have different last names

**Cossette** : That’s a very long story, and I don’t have the time for it today

**Cassette** : Ép I’m outside your flat rn

**Épi-Pen** : alright, coming down

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im gunna go find enj and ferre 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : r, u coming 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : omg get it ???

**R** : yes i get it courf, and yes im coming

**R** : meet me at the musain, im getting me n enj coffees and scones

**Jelly Belly** : I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SPEAK TO ENJOLRAS ABOUT HIS COFFEE HABITS

**R** : don’t we all joly, dont we all 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : as long as you don’t hold the rocket fuel anywhere near me, im good w it 

**R** : aight, see you soon 

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**Chetta** : Baz, do you and Feuilly wanna come over for dinner

**Chetta** : I made challah for after 

**Bruh** : oh FUCK yeah 

**Bruh** : feuillys off at about 18h30, can we come over at 19h00 ?

**Chetta** : Sounds perfect 

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged off!_

**Eagle One** : see u tonight baz

**Jelly Belly** : As long as you don’t break anyone’s nose or drink an 8 shot espresso I’ll be glad to have you over 

**Jelly Belly** : :’))))))

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged off!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, check out my main fic-  
> Life’s greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved 
> 
> its kinda angsty, mainly enjol-angst so if you’re not into that, i won’t hold it against you
> 
> so ép and r are American, from wareham in mass. bc if you’ve BEEN to wareham you KNOW that the thénardiers would A B S O L U T E L Y live there 
> 
> and marais is a super gay part of Paris, it’s where 40% of the city’s lgbt businesses are 
> 
> any other questions, ill be happy to clear up
> 
> love you all !!


	3. The Phantom of the Opera leads to Enjolras’ secrets being exposed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these are so fun to write !!
> 
> im having honestly such a great time writing all of these, like y’all have no IDEA
> 
> the comments ??? you guys are so sweet idek how to thank you :))))

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Jehan** : @ **E**

**Jehan** : tell your fucking terrible person of a boyfriend that he needs to stop blasting the phantom of the opera overature or im going to take legal action 

**_E_ ** _ has logged on! _

**E** : What. 

**E** : You two don’t live together, how can you hear it?

**Jehan** : YEAH EXACTLY IM FOUR DOORS DOWN AND I CAN HEAR IT

**_R_ ** _ has logged on! _

**R** : okay but in my defense im doing it to annoy a neighbour

**Jehan** : is the neighbour me ??????

**R** : no its claquesous 

**Jehan** : ok that's fair but still, the entire complex can hear you

**E** : What did Claquesous do this time?

**R** : he left an overdue library book in front of my flat and made me return it and pay the 27€ fee

**Jehan** : how long did he have the book for that he racked up a 27€ fee on it 

**R** : i have no idea

**E** : Wait. 

**E** : Grantaire it’s 12:45. Aren’t you in class?

**R** : yup

**R** : i left the song looping

**Jehan** : WHAT THE FUCK

**Jehan** : fuck you

**Jehan** : i'm not sitting through this song for another hour

**Jehan** : @ **Épi-Pen** can i borrow your brother

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Épi-Pen** : if you need him to pick a lock, i'm pretty sure you could literally just get enj to give you the key or something 

**E** : I had my key confiscated. 

**Jehan** : dude you confiscated your bf’s key ?

**R** : i had to 

**E** : I still think it was completely unjustified and it was ONE incident. 

**Épi-Pen** : wtf did u do

**R** : he came in at 3 am and started to rearrange every single book on my shelves and then woke me up at 6 because he knocked over a lamp from pacing so much

**E** : In my defense, I had just failed an oral exam in English, and I was stressed. 

**E** : I clean when I’m stressed, but I had cleaned my entire flat already, and Combeferre wouldn’t let me in his room, so I had to clean somewhere else. 

**R** : i still cant find one of my music theory books

**E** : When was it published?

**R** : why the fuck would i know

**E** : I put them in publication order. 

**Épi-Pen** : what the fuck 

**Jehan** : enjolras we are going to have a lengthy talk about the correct way to organise books

**Jehan** : but right now i seriously need to get into r’s flat

**Épi-Pen** : im headed over w gav rn 

**Jehan** : i love you

**Jehan** : im going to write you an odyssey length poem about how wonderful you are

**_Jehan_ ** _ has re-named the conversation “We love Éponine” _

**_Cassette_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Cassette** : Damn right we do

**Épi-Pen** : love you babe

**Épi-Pen** : alright Jehan we’re like 2 minutes away 

**Jehan** : my saviour ❤️

**R** : claquesous is probably gonna beat the shit out of you if he sees you near my flat

**Épi-Pen** : like hell he is

**Cassette** : If he tries to pull anything just call Enj

**Épi-Pen** : idk if he needs a beating THAT bad

**R** : oh fuck my professor is coming over

**R** : im coming over to yours and combeferres tonight enj bc im going to avoid claquesous like the plague

**E** : Alright, see you tonight. 

**_R_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Jehan** : wtf he can't just invoke claquesous’ rage and then dip that's not fair 

**E** : Do you need me to come over?

**Épi-Pen** : nah me n gav just got into R’s flat and claquesous isn't around anywhere, we’re safe

**Jehan** : ép i’m coming over rn and i made you guys a cake

**Épi-Pen** : sette are you okay with polyamory 

**Cassette** : For Jehan? Ofc

**Jehan** : awe i love you too

**Jehan** : if i weren’t aro i’d take you up on your offer

**E** : This is a love story for the ages. 

**Épi-Pen** : stop mocking our new non-romantic partner 

**E** : I wasn’t mocking. 

**Cassette** : Julien stop being an ass or I’ll expose your secrets 

**E** : Euphrasie, I am an open book. 

**Jehan** : you are NOT an open book 

**Jehan** : expose him ‘sette

**Cassette** : Enj is actually a rightie but when we were 11 he started to write his left hand because he wanted to bitch about society’s unfair bias towards right handed people when creating products like scissors 

**Épi-Pen** : omfg of course he would

**E** : Cosette didn't know why le 14 juillet was France’s national holiday until we were 16. 

**Jehan** : the drama has STARTED 

**Jehan** : ép, r keeps microwave popcorn in his cabinet next to the fridge, make gav go make some 

**Épi-Pen** : on it 

**Cassette** : From the ages of 16-18 Enjolras silently pined over “the hot American guy that goes to Sorbonne”

**E** : You did the same thing so you can’t say shit. 

**Jehan** : oh fuck enj is swearing 

**Jehan** : things are getting real

**Épi-Pen** : you pined after me for 2 years ?

**Épi-Pen** : awwwwwwwww

**Cassette** : ❤️

**E** : Why is it only pathetic when I do it. 

**Cassette** : Because you literally walked past the university like 8 times a week, but never said a WORD to Grantaire 

**E** : In my defense, English is very hard for some of us. 

**Jehan** : we know

**Épi-Pen** : oh GOD do we know

**Cassette** : You can speak Occitan and Basque, but not English 

**Cassette** : You’re so intelligent, yet so, so stupid

**E** : Now who’s being rude?

**Épi-Pen** : also enj, yeah r n i moved to france from america, but we can still speak french 

**Épi-Pen** : you really didn’t have an excuse cause we speak english with each other, but we also both speak french

**E** : Well there really isn’t a reason to be hung up on this 4 years later, considering we’ve been together long enough for me to gain and lose key privileges, get banned from the university library, bring him to meet my dads, and for him to teach me how to play guitar, kind of. 

**E** : I’m not very good. 

**Jehan** : couple goals

**Cassette** : I’m assuming that those aren’t in order because dad and papa still don’t know how you broke your hand

**E** : Do YOU?

**Épi-Pen** : yes we do 

**Épi-Pen** : and i would like to apologise for every insult i’ve ever thrown at you

**E** : Have any of you hit on my boyfriend?

**Épi-Pen** : no

**Jehan** : no

**Cassette** : No

**E** : You’re all safe then. 

**Épi-Pen** : i was actually kinda scared for a sec

**Jehan** : enj is a merciful god

**Jehan** : but me n ép are gonna have cake now

**Jehan** : if you two want any we’re at r’s place

**E** : I need to grab something from there anyway, so I’m on my way over. 

**Épi-Pen** : what’re you getting

**E** : I left a sweatshirt there, but now that I think about it, it was red, and most of his are green. 

**Cassette** : Lol good luck

**Cassette** :I’m coming over too, but I’m not helping you with that

**Épi-Pen** : wait does this mean what i think it does

**Épi-Pen** : enj are you colourblind

**Jehan** : OMG THAT'S WHY YOU ACTED LIKE THAT WHEN I TOOK YOU TO THE LOUVRE

**E** : Why does everyone feel the need to attack me whenever I’m active here. 

**Cassette** : You make it really easy

**Épi-Pen** : wow cosette is ruthless today

**Épi-Pen** : also how did he act jehan

**Jehan** : okay first off he refused to leave “Liberty leading the people” for like, a full hour

**Jehan** : but when he finally let us move on, he pointed at a painting and said “hmm the colours are very colourful”

**_E_ ** _ has left the conversation  _

**_Cassette_ ** _ has added  _ **_Enjolras_ ** _ to the conversation  _

**Cassette** : You’re not getting away that easily

**Enjolras** : Stop attacking me. 

**Enjolras** : I’m headed to Grantaire’s right now, and at this point I couldn’t give less of a shit what colour the sweatshirt is, I just want one. 

**Enjolras** : See you in 5. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Cassette** : I’m on my way over too

**Cassette** : I’ll see you guys in 4, because I want to get there before he does

**_Cassette_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Jehan** : hide all of grantaire’s sweatshirts ?

**Épi-Pen** : way ahead of you

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _ has logged off! _

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we see the return of enjolras the very poor english speaker 
> 
> i love the idea that he learns obscure languages to help keep them from dying out, but basically refuses to get better at english. like grantaire speaks english so why does he need to learn it right ?
> 
> i have so much fun with colourblind enjolras, the idea is honestly just hilarious dont even @ me
> 
> the comments ive gotten have made me so happy i honestly love you all so much, even though youre all strangers on the internet id hug you if i knew who you were <3
> 
> also, im only now realising that all of the chapter titles are about enj but who caresssss


	4. El (your author) breaks the fourth wall, and also has major dental issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i just wanted to say that everything grantaire mentions are my own experiences 
> 
> i had braces from april 2014 to still now, until this friday 
> 
> i had dental bonding done today and it does NOT feel good :(
> 
> but yeah, hi im el and i broke the 4th wall for fun
> 
> you guys that keep commenting on all of my chapters ????? i love you <3

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Jehan** : if you guys

**Jehan** : were a book character 

**Jehan** : who would you be

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Jehan** : and no enjolras, i see you typing, no victor hugo characters, that’s cheating 

**Enjolras** : Okay, fine. 

**Enjolras** : I would be Atticus Finch. I care deeply about equality on every level, and I am prepared to fight for what I believe in. 

**Jehan** : ok but you’re prepared to fight in general 

**Enjolras** : That point is irrelevant. 

**Jehan** : but yeah i agree, you’re definitely atticus

**Jehan** : i’d say i’m probably ophelia from hamlet

**Jehan** : i have a tragic love story, because YOU SIR have mocked me and stopped me from joining éponine and cosette and making us a trio

**Jehan** : but other than that

**Jehan** : i like flowers, and her death was very poetic so yeah i’m ophelia

**Enjolras** : Allow me to make the assumptions for others in the chat?

**Jehan** : enj you don’t need to ask permission it’s literally your chat

**Enjolras** : Combeferre is Tintin and I don’t really have an explanation but it feels right. 

**Jehan** : that’s fair

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac is Mercutio, because he is loud, annoying and gay. He also likes puns, and I feel that he would make one on his deathbed. 

**Enjolras** : Éponine is Lizzie Bennet. She doesn’t let men fuck her over and willingly chooses her love interest, instead of just having them handed to her. Hence the fact that she chose Cosette over someone such as Montparnasse. 

**Enjolras** : Marius is Romeo and I think that’s self explanatory. 

**Enjolras** : Grantaire is Dr. Hastie Lanyon. He’s a sceptic and when his world is changed beyond belief, he just leaves and dies. 

**_R_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Jehan** : speak of the devil

**R** : who the fuck decided that humans should have teeth

**R** : fuck teeth, me and my homies hate teeth

**Enjolras** : Oh you had your dental bonding appointment today, didn’t you?

**R** : yes i fucking did 

**Jehan** : oh how did that go

**R** : well i have new teeth now but my gums are destroyed 

**R** : i swear, dentists get off on how much blood they can get out of your gums

**R** : liane was trying to kill me or something 

**R** : all im saying is that peg would NEVER treat me like this

**Enjolras** : They are not new teeth, Grantaire. 

**R** : wHaTeVeR

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Épi-Pen** : R pulls this shit after every dentist appointment 

**R** : you only had braces for like a year so shut your stupid fucking mouth

**R** : SIX YEARS ÉPONINE

**R** : SIX DAMN YEARS

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has re-named the conversation “This is a no-bitching zone” _

**R** : enjolras

**R** : my love

**R** : my muse

**R** : the light of my life

**R** : weve been dating for 2 years and i reserve the right to bitch about my dental history 

**Enjolras:** Fine. 

**_R_ ** _ has re-named the conversation “Enjolras lets R bitch” _

**R** : who wants to hear about my frenectomy 

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Combeferre** : I swear to any god above, if you did something to screw up your stitches I’m going to hurt you 

**R** : wow ferre gets it first try 

**R** : i hit myself in the mouth, right at the stitches with the corner of a book and they split open and i never told anyone 

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Jelly Belly:** GRANTAIRE THAT'S NOT OKAY

**R** : okay but they were those dissolving stitches so it’s basically fine

**Combeferre** : I’m surprised your mouth healed properly 

**R** : dude im literally just vibing 

**Épi-Pen** : R you can’t just deflect your problems by saying you’re “just vibing”

**R** : i can and i will

**Jelly Belly** : BUT HOW DO WE KNOW THAT HIS MOUTH HEALED PROPERLY???

**Jehan** : @  **Enjolras**

**Épi-Pen** : @  **Enjolras**

**Combeferre** : @  **Enjolras**

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : @  **Enjolras**

**Enjolras** : What the fuck. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ur the only one who can attest to the fact that his mouth is healed properly 

**Jehan** : how did we start talking about this again

**Combeferre** : Grantaire interrupted your nice chat about books to talk about his poor dental health 

**R** : hey

**R** : rude

**Combeferre** : Also, thank you E, I like to think of myself as Tintin as well 

**Combeferre** : Though Dr. Henry Jekyll also works

**R** : uh i think we should be concerned 

**Jehan** : who’s your hyde 

**Combeferre** : Enjolras

**Épi-Pen** : wow that was fast

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enj still hasn’t answered joly’s question 

**Enjolras** : @ **Marius**

**Enjolras** : @ **Marius**

**Enjolras** : @ **Marius**

**Épi-Pen** : you can’t call the lawyer to get out of the question 

**_Marius_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Marius** : Oh My Gosh, Hi You Guys!!!

**R** : what the fuck put him back 

**R** : why do you type like that 

**Marius** : Like What?

**Enjolras** : Nevermind that. Marius what is it that the Americans use to get out of answering a question in court?

**Marius** : They Plead The Fifth

**Enjolras** : I plead the fifth. 

**Épi-Pen** : you just sound guilty now 

**Jelly Belly** : Guys I’m just really concerned for Grantaire!!!!!!!

**R** : joly im fine

**Enjolras** : His mouth is fine, you can hardly even tell that the inside of his top lip was split in half once. 

**Combeferre** : How do you know where his frenectomy was done?

**Enjolras** : He mentioned it a little while ago and I researched it. 

**R** : enj that was like 

**R** : 9 months ago 

**Enjolras** : Yes well, I figured I should know your medical history should anything ever happen. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : romance <3

**Combeferre** : That’s fair; I have Courf’s memorised in case he dies or something 

**R** : ROMANCE <3

**Marius** : Oh My Gosh You Guys Are All Too Cute!!!!!!!!

**Épi-Pen** : why did it take you so long to get on here pontmercy

**Marius:** Funny Story Actually!

**Marius** : So I Was Walking Into The Kitchen One Morning And I Was Not Looking Where I Was Going And I Dropped My Phone Into Our Coffee Pot!!

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : lmao i have the video 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : y’all want it?

**Jehan** : yes

**Épi-Pen** : yes

**Jelly Belly** : Yes?

**Combeferre** : Sure

**Enjolras** : Okay. 

**R** : more than anything 

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has sent a video to “Enjolras let’s R bitch” _

**Épi-Pen** : oh my god

**Jelly Belly** : Wow this makes Boss look like Natalia Osipova in comparison

**R** : who ???

**Jehan** : oh i love her !!

**Jehan** : she’s a russian ballet dancer who’s with the royal ballet in london as a principal ballerina 

**Enjolras** : Cosette made me watch her rendition of “La Esmeralda”. She was quite good, but I have no dance knowledge to speak of. 

**Épi-Pen** : wait can we go back to the fact that Combeferre answered

**Épi-Pen** : in less than like 10 seconds after the question was asked 

**Épi-Pen** : and said that Enjolras was the hyde to his jekyll 

**Combeferre** : I don’t need to explain myself to you

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : wow rude

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : tbh i would’ve assumed i was his hyde cuz im the completely opposite of him 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh well, im gonna go after him

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Jelly Belly** : I think I get it 

**Jelly Belly** : Combeferre is calculated in every decision that he makes, but Enjolras tends to lead with his emotions 

**Enjolras** : Well I didn’t kill M. de Courfeyrac, so I’m not a very accurate Edward Hyde. 

**Jehan** : enj you’ve read Jekyll and Hyde?

**Jehan** : i thought you were illiterate when it came to English 

**Enjolras** : I got a french translation. 

**R** : bullshit 

**R** : you also listened to the musical 

**Enjolras** : Yes well, maybe I like to listen to “Bitch, bitch, bitch” because it reminds me of certain company here. 

**Épi-Pen** : oh jesus, the enjolras-fauchelevent-javert-valjean siblings are both RUTHLESS

**R** : enj youve made me cry 

**R** : im crying 

**Enjolras** : Good. 

**Jelly Belly** : Enjolras stop being mean!! 

**Jelly Belly** : If I come back and see that you were mean you’ll regret it!!!!!

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _ has logged off! _

**R** : oh btw enj 

**R** : did you take my lime green sweatshirt?

**Enjolras** : Cosette told me it was the red one. 

**Enjolras** : Have I been wearing a lime green sweatshirt for three days?

**Épi-Pen** : maybe

**Enjolras** : Hey, Éponine. Say, would you, Cosette, and Johan like to meet for coffee sometime? Maybe near the PSL library?

**Jehan** : i thought you were banned from there

**Enjolras** : No, that’s the Sorbonne library. 

**Jehan** : but you don’t go to Sorbonne ???

**Enjolras** : Yes, but Grantaire does. 

**Enjolras** : I’m not going to get banned from my own university’s library, I need that one. 

**Épi-Pen** : fuck no, i am not meeting you

**Épi-Pen** : im going into hiding 

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Enjolras** : Like hell you are. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged off! _

**R** : hey jehan wanna hear about the time i lost a molar when it was still attached to a bracket ?

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged off! _

**R** : ok well el just wanted to talk about her poor dental experiences but y’all’re RUDE

**_R_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Marius** : Oh HaHa!!!! I’m Still Here!! 

**Marius** : Silly Me!

**Marius** : HhhhhJjjJjJjjjjjjJjJjJJjjjjj11111111111

**_Marius_ ** _ has left the conversation _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> featuring cameos from my actual oral hygienists
> 
> liane went sicko mode on my gums last week, and peg is usually very nice but i didn’t HAVE HER
> 
> and yes, i did bust open the stitches in my mouth a DAY after my frenectomy 
> 
> i hit myself in the mouth with the corner of a Percy Jackson book, it split open, and i pulled out the stitches like “oh huh what’s this”
> 
> also im sorry, this chapter definitely has the most ooc Enjolras so far, but i promise im trying to get them at least somewhat in line !!
> 
> once again, if you comment, please marry me


	5. Grantaire is locked out, Enjolras is scary, and Javert is scarier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay another chapter !!
> 
> the ideas just keep coming honestly, i dont think i can ever stop
> 
> also, if you havent noticed, i base grantaires adventures off of my own
> 
> the events of this chapter have never happened to me, but the upcoming chapters will probably involve a can of tuna, baby sunglasses, 4 broken saxophones, or falling on the field in front of judges at a marching band competition 
> 
> thanks for all the comments and kudos, each one makes me smile for at least an hour honestly

**_R_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : okay ignoring whatever the fuck happened to marius-

**R** : i locked myself out 

**R** : éponine is out of town, so i cant use gav to get in 

**R** : and enjolras is at some family dinner

**R** : can i crash at anyones place

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : If you hadn’t confiscated my key, I could have swung by to let you in. 

**Enjolras** : It’s not fun to face the consequences of your actions, is it?

**R** : :((((((

**R** : can anyone take in a stray for a night

**R** : pls im desperate 

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jehan** : R i’m literally 4 doors down

**Jehan** : you could have asked me first

**R** : okay, jehan can i come stay at your place ?

**Jehan** : sorry R, i have ladies night tonight with the girls in my poetry group

**R** : then why did yoU OFFER

**Enjolras** : Bahorel and Feuilly might let you. 

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged on!_

**Foo Fighter** : Absolutely not

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged off!_

**Jehan** : there goes that idea 

**R** : fuck it

**R** : im sleeping on the streets

**Enjolras** : You will NOT. 

**Enjolras** : Give me 15 minutes.

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**Jehan** : wtf is he gonna do 

**R** : idk and im scared

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged on!_

**Cassette** : Grantaire what did you do

**R** : oh god what did i do

**Cassette** : Enj just stomped out of the house, dragging papa behind him

**Cassette** : He was muttering about a spare key and something about the how he was trying to help the homeless, not add his boyfriend to the statistic 

**Cassette** : Dad looks mutinous rn 

**R** : FUCK NO I WAS ON JAVERTS GOOD SIDE NO NO NO

**Cassette** : So let me ask again 

**Cassette** : What. Did. You. Do. 

**R** : okay so like 2months ago i confiscated enjs key bc he abused its power and tonight i locked myself out and if he still had the key he couldve let me in but he doesnt so i asked y’all and no one i asked said they could so i made a joke about sleeping in the streets and now we are in this situation and OH FUCK HES HERE

**_R_ ** _has left the conversation_

**Jehan** : i-

**Cassette** : Did he mean to leave ??

**Cassette** : Do we add him baca no oernd

**Jehan** : cosette ?????

**Jehan** : oh my god what’s happening 

**Jehan** : @ **Everyone**

**Jehan** : help help help i’m scared

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Cassette_ ** _has sent a voice message to “Enjolras lets R bitch”_

**« Dad! Give me my phone back!**

Cosette it is very rude to have your phone out at the dinner table. 

**Julien and Papa aren’t even here!**

Yes, and I blame Charles for that. Is he in this “group chat” of yours?

**Not anymore apparently, he left it.**

Well oka- Cosette why is it recording?

**What?**

Cosette it’s recording a thing— how do i stop it?

**Dad what are you talking about?**

COSETTE!! THE THING IS GOING, WHAT DO I DO?

**Just give me the phone.**

No. I will not. **»**

**Cassette** : Hello all, this is Officer Javert with the Paris police force. Has anyone heard from Charles Grantaire? I would like to have a chat with him. 

**Bruh** : okay so that's where enjolras gets his scary from

**Cassette** : Yes, my son has adapted my stricter qualities. 

**Combeferre** : Good evening Javert, is there any particular reason you’re looking for Grantaire?

**Cassette** : Oh, Jean-Michel! I’m glad to see you here, you have always been my favourite of Julien’s friends.

**Cassette** : Not to be rude to any of you. 

**Cassette** : Though I do like the small flowery one as well. 

**Jehan** : thank you sir!

**Cassette** : Jean-Michel, I am looking for Charles as I am assuming he has abducted my son and husband. 

**Chetta** : Hello sir! I’m Musichetta, and I believe that Grantaire is outside his flat right now, so I’m assuming that M. Valjean and Enjolras are with him 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : Why does Javert have Cosette’s phone?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : backread

**Cassette** : Ah, hello Mathieu. . 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : hello sir

**Cassette** : Mathieu, what does your name mean?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : it’s a part of a song, sir

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : it’s by an American artist

**Cassette** : Who is the artist?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh god

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : his name is Lil Pump

**Cassette** : ‘Lil Pump?’

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yessir

**Enjolras** : Okay, Javert. Grantaire is at his flat, and I brought Valjean here because he was locked out without a key, and since I’m not as good at picking locks as he is, I needed to take him. 

**Enjolras** : I apologise for leaving dinner, but my boyfriend needed my help. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has added_ **_Grantaire_ ** _to the conversation_

**Grantaire** : hello sir

**Cassette** : Hello Charles. 

**Cassette** : I will let this slip this time, but in the future, I do NOT wish to be interrupted when I am having dinner with my children. 

**Cassette** : Am I understood?

**Grantaire** : yes sir, loud and clear 

**Cassette** : Good. 

**Cassette** : Good night to all of you. Jean-Michel and Mathieu, I hope to see you around soon. Mathieu, perhaps you could show me who this ‘Lil Pump’ is. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i would love nothing more

**Cassette** : I will speak to you all later. 

**Cassette** : Or perhaps (and hopefully) never. 

**Cassette** : Oh my god I’m so sorry 

**Jelly Belly** : I’ve never been more afraid and he wasn’t even mad at me 

**Enjolras** : And you all say that I have a stick up my ass. 

**Enjolras** : That’s why Javert is so tall. 

**Grantaire** : don’t speak of your father like that julien

**Grantaire** : he’s kind but he’s a little 

**Grantaire** : difficult 

**Bruh** : did their other dad just take R’s phone ??

**Grantaire** : i apologise, but grantaire looked as though he would drop it 

**Grantaire** : he seemed rather scared 

**Grantaire** : cosette, tell javert that enjolras will not be coming back tonight

**Cassette** : Will do papa

**Grantaire** : lovely

**Grantaire** : i’ll be heading back over to you now

**Eagle One** : This has been a terrifying experience 

**Eagle One** : Me, Joly, and Chetta were just trying to have a lovely evening

**Chetta** : Which we will now go back to 

**Jelly Belly** : Bye guys!!!!!!

**Jelly Belly** : Update us if Javert comes back so we can avoid this chat 

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged off!_

**Enjolras** : I’ve never seen Grantaire look so afraid. 

**Enjolras** : I’m going to shut his phone off and lay him on the couch or something. 

**Bruh** : before you do 

**_Bruh_ ** _has re-named_ **_Grantaire_ ** _to_ **_Charles_ **

**Bruh** : perfect 

**Enjolras** : Alright, down he goes. 

**_Charles_ ** _has logged off!_

**Jehan** : i can’t believe his first name is CHARLES

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i cant believe i had to explain to javert who lil pump is 

**Bruh** : i can’t believe Valjean can pick locks

**Combeferre** : I’m just glad that I’m his favourite 

**Cassette** : Ofc you’re his favourite

**Cassette** : You’re everyone’s favourite 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ur my favourite

**Combeferre** : I’d hope so

**Cassette** : Also Bahorel

**Cassette** : Papas an ex con, so he can pick locks

**Cassette** : So can Enjolras, but he doesn’t show that talent off too much

**Bruh** : oh great another reason to be afraid of him

**Combeferre** : He’s relatively harmless

**Enjolras** : I am perfectly harmless. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : sure

**Bruh** : courf are u gonna play lil pump for javert

**Bruh** : can i be there when u do

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh FUCK yea

**Enjolras** : Lil Pump?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : can javert speak english

**Cassette** : Better than Enjolras but that’s not saying much

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ill play gucci gang first

**Enjolras** : Lil Pump??

**Bruh** : nope

**Bruh** : don’t answer him

**Jehan** : answer him in english

**Jehan** : make him LEARN

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : “Gazzy Garcia (born August 17, 2000), known professionally as Lil Pump, is an American rapper and songwriter. He is known for his hyperactive public persona, where he is often portrayed taking drugs”

**Enjolras** : That feels like a Wikipedia definition. 

**Enjolras** : I’m just going to Gooleeendkfkfccccc

**Jehan** : no!!!! not again

**_Enjolras_ ** _has sent a voice message to “Enjolras lets R bitch”_

**« Get the fuck off me!**

You can’t google him Enj!! You need to learn Engli—

**I’m fine enough with my current knowledge of English.**

What if you want to move to America?

**Like I’d leave the best country in the world.**

Enjjjjjjjjjjjj—

**Grantaire. Get off of me.**

Nope! How about I just—

**Gah!! »**

**Bruh** : was that a sexual groan at the end or did R just hit him

**Enjolras** : its up to you to figure out ;)))))

**Enjolras** : hhhhhjjhsjd i need to go

**Enjolras** : ;))))))

**Cassette** : Gross!

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged off!_

**Jehan** : this has been the weirdest night I’ve had in awhile

**Jehan** : but i am NOT going to miss ladies night for the drama 

**Jehan** : adieu my loves 

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged off!_

**Bruh** : e is still online

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh my god leave before they accidentally just send a porno voice message 

**Bruh** : gross!

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**Combeferre** : Use protection 

**Enjolras** : thanks ferre :)))

**Combeferre** : And give E his phone back

**Enjolras** : okay DAD

**Combeferre:** :’)

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i dont usually hc grantaires first name to be charles, but then again i dont ever make him american, so i needed something fitting
> 
> *me just throwing assorted skills at enjolras like in frankenstein*
> 
> you guys’ comments honestly keep me going with writing this; its super fun to write but without everyones love and encouragement i would not get chapters out this fast lol
> 
> <3


	6. Enjolras is both completely wasted and a liar, and Bahorel steals a closet door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im super sorry if this is inconsistent in any way
> 
> i wrote this is like 5 different sittings because i have some really weird chronic knee pain issues, and they flared up with a VENGEANCE last night so i couldnt focus at all
> 
> sorry if this chapter is all over the place, and if some things just dont make any sense :(
> 
> i hope you enjoy anyway !!

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : my ENTIRE LIFE is a LIE

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged on!_

**Combeferre** : What happened? Are you alright? 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : no i am NOT alright 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : did u kno

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : DID U KNO

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enjolras’ accent is fake

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : everything ive ever known is a lie 

**Combeferre** : Wait. What???

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : I KNOW

**_Charles_ ** _has logged on!_

**Charles** : wait what the fuck why is my name charles 

**_Charles_ ** _has re-named themself_ **_R_ **

**R** : thats better 

**R** : but wait what the fuck do you mean enjolras’ accent is fake ?????

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : his whole parisian accent ??

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : its a complete lie 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : he puts on that weird 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : le titi parisien

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : but it’s completely fake

**R** : no fucking way 

**Combeferre** : How did you learn this?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ok u can’t be mad

**Combeferre** : Oh god

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : so enj and i were hanging out 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : n so we’re at my place rn

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : idk how i did it but i got him drunk 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : hes so fucking drunk

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ive learned so much 

**R** : im sorry courf you did WHAT

**Combeferre** : How did you find out about the accent?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ferre i can barely understand him 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : he has a corsican accent 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : w h y d o e s h e h a v e a c o r s i c a n a c c e n t

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : like i KNOW hes from the south 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i remember him saying something about grenoble, but i’ve never heard any sort of accent so i just figured he adjusted to paris really quickly

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : but this is a full on

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i-had-a-love-child-with-italian french accent

**R** : wtf is a corsican accent 

**Combeferre** : It’s weird 

**Combeferre** : It’s super weird; it sounds like a mix of French and Italian 

**R** : huh

**R** : weird

**Combeferre** : Wait, Courf-

**Combeferre** : How the hell did you get Enjolras drunk?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : everything comes back to his poor ability to speak english

**R** : ffs

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : shut the up fuck

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : anyway, i decided to play a game with him, where i would say something in english and if he could translate it to french, i’d take a shot, but if he couldn’t, he’d take a shot

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i think he might die of alcohol poisoning 

**R** : fuck you courf

**R** : im coming over to collect him

**R** : i have activated charcoal at my house so that you dont fuckiNG KILL HIM

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**Combeferre** : What did you even say that he couldn’t translate?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : it wasn’t even like i started rattling off Eminem lyrics

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : u know what i did ??

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i started quoting rousseau bc i thought !! i thought !!! he would kno it

**Combeferre** : Where is he now?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : stretched out across my couch

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i’m in the kitchen

**Combeferre** : Just keep an eye on him 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : h

**Enjolras** : h

**Enjolras** : h

**Enjolras** : h

**Enjolras** : h

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : WHAT THE FUCK YOU LITTLE PICKPOCKETING BASTARD

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i took his phone away

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : how did he get it ?????

**Enjolras** : Heyhd Ferre??? 

**Enjolras** : Heve I eevrrr told yiuu that’’’’ I lovd upou 

**Enjolras** : B casw I DO !!!!!!!!!!€€€€!€!€!

**Combeferre** : I love you too buddy 

**Enjolras** : :)))))))))

  
  


**_Combeferre_ ** _has created a private conversation with_ **_Courfeyrac_ **

**Combeferre** : How much has he had

**Courfeyrac** : i don’t know !!!

**Courfeyrac** : oh my god he’s crying what do i DO

  
  


**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has sent a video to “Enjolras lets R bitch”_

**«** [Enjolras is sobbing on Courfeyrac’s couch, burying his face into the cushions]

**I just- I just love her so much!**

_Who do you love Enj?_

**Patria! I wish- I wish that she would love- love me back…**

_Enj, I’m sure she does._

[Enjolras suddenly swings his body up and grins]

**Courf! Guess what!**

_What is it bud?_

[Enjolras begins to speak in English, with a mix of a French accent a Southern United States accent, but perfectly coherent and not at all slurred]

**Thomas Jefferson once said that all men are created equal, a phrase that the Yankees and the distaff side of the Executive branch in Washington are fond of hurling at us.**

_What?_

**There is a tendency in this year of grace, 1935, for certain people to use this phrase out of context, to satisfy all conditions. The most ridiculous example I can think of is that the people who run public education promote the stupid and idle along with the industrious—because all men are created equal, educators will gravely tell you, the children left behind suffer terrible feelings of inferiority.**

_Did you memorise Atticus’ closing speech?_

**We know all men are not created equal in the sense some people would have us believe—some people are smarter than others, some people have more opportunity because they’re born with it, some men make more money-**

_That’s enough of that._

[Enjolras giggles as someone pounds on the door and the video switches off] »

**Combeferre** : What the fuck

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jehan** : oh my god 

**Jehan** : where’s enjolras can i talk to him 

**Enjolras** : jehan youre not going to get any coherent answer out of him rn

**Enjolras** : hes just mumbling different famous speeches

**_Enjolras_ ** _has sent a voice message to “Enjolras lets R bitch”_

**Citizens, do you picture the future to yourselves? The streets of cities inundated with light, green branches on the thresholds, nations sisters, men just, old men blessing children, the past loving the present, thinkers entirely at liberty, believers on terms of full equality, for religion heaven, God the direct priest, human conscience become an altar, no more hatreds, the fraternity of the workshop and the school, for sole penalty and recompense fame, work for all, right for all, peace over all, no more bloodshed, no more wars, happy mothers!**

Enjolras what the fuck. 

_Dude what are you even talking about?_

**We are going to save the world! Can’t you see, Courf? Down with the monarchy!**

Yeah alright, Enjolras I think it’s time we head home okay?

**Nolite te bastardes carborundorum!**

Yeah okay. **»**

**Jehan** : oh my god i love drunk enjolras 

**Jehan** : drunkjolras if you will 

**Enjolras** : yeah well you love him until you have to lug his lanky ass body down a flight of stairs and into your car

**Enjolras** : im now driving, and im giving e his phone back so have fun 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : @ **Everyone**

**Combeferre** : He's never going to forgive you

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : at least ill go out w a banger

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Eagle One_ ** _logged on!_

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has added_ **_Marius_ ** _to the conversation!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : alright, everyone backread and then we have some fun

**Combeferre** : I would like to state right now that I had no part in this

**Enjolras** : FRIENDDDDSDD !!!!!!

**Jelly Belly** : Enjolras!!!!!

**Enjolras** : Jelee beleyy ?

**Enjolras** : Jelllllluyyyyy 

**Enjolras** : JOLY !!!

**Jehan** : hey enj can i ask you a question ?

**Enjolras** : Questionsd ar fun

**Jehan** : enj who’s your favourite jacobin

**Enjolras** : Thatsd notff fair :((((

**Enjolras** : I likkkeleeome theme alldfc

**Bruh** : hey chief i have a question

**Enjolras** : BeuhhHhhhHh

**Enjolras** : Bahorel !!!

**Enjolras** : My bestd firend BHorel !!

**Bruh** : yup thats me

**Bruh** : so chief, what’s ur favourite music genre?

**Enjolras** : Disxo !!!!!!

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : hngjfkcorowkwndb

**Épi-Pen** : oh my god

**Jehan** : holy shit

**Eagle One** : BAHAWHAHAHA

**Jelly Belly** : Oh I love disco too!

**Foo Fighter** : No fucking way

**Enjolras** : FWEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!

**Enjolras** : Fwee yiu are rhe absoleuet bedt yiu knwo thay ?

**Foo Fighter** : I’m glad you think so Enj

**Enjolras** : :))))))

**Chetta** : This is adorable

**Cassette** : The last time I saw Enjolras drunk was when we were 18 and he had more than half a glass of wine for the first time

**Cassette** : This is the best thing I’ve ever seen tbh

**_Enjolras_ ** _has sent a voice message to “Enjolras lets R bitch”_

**«** Okay Enjolras, can you at least try to walk for me? I can’t carry you, you’re too tall. 

**No!**

Enjolras you are 6 feet 5 inches tall and I am approximately 0 foot 2. Stand your scrawny ass up. 

**Nooooooo!**

You’re a child. 

**‘m not.**

God why do I have to live on the 5th floor. 

**Heeeeeey, my phone’s doing a thing and recording a message!**

Lovely. 

**Is Fweeeeee gonna listen to it?? What about Joly? I love them!**

Alright, hand your phone over. **»**

**Épi-Pen** : this is embarrassing and i love every second of it

**Jelly Belly** : Tell Enjolras that I love him too!!!!

**Enjolras** : jehan are you home

**Jehan** : do you need help ?

**Enjolras** : he doesnt weigh much but hes also like a foot taller than me 

**Jehan** : idk how big a foot is but i’m coming down

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged off!_

**Enjolras** : courf i hope you know that neither of us will ever forgive you

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : in my defence, he agreed to this

**Enjolras** : no one is allowed to ask him anymore questions because i am making him go to sleep

**Bruh** : can i make him a disco playlist

**Enjolras** : THAT is acceptable 

**Enjolras** : now we have to get the child into the elevator

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**Foo Fighter** : Okay wait a minute

**Foo Fighter** : Can we go back to the fact that Enjolras fakes a Parisian accent 

**Eagle One** : yeah cosette what's that all about

**Cassette** : So when we say that we’re from the South, we ARE but Enjolras and I were actually born in Corsica

**Cassette** : We were adopted by papa and dad when we were 4 and we moved to Paris but we both say that we’re from Grenoble instead of Corsica because Enjolras thinks that saying we’re Corsican would be like saying we’re Italian instead of French

**Combeferre** : But Courf and I met you when you were 5 so how did we never hear any sort of accent out of either of you

**Cassette** : Well I didn’t really talk to either of you that much and Enjolras immediately hid it

**Cassette** : He still talks with his original accent at home but I think that’s just to piss off dad

**Épi-Pen** : enjolras originally made this chat for les amis business but now it’s just used to expose him lmao

**_Bruh_ ** _has re-named the conversation “Exposing Enjolras”_

**Chetta** : Nice alliteration 

**Jelly Belly** : Drunk Enjolras is fun but I think I’m going to go to R’s to make sure he doesn’t die or anything

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged off!_

**Eagle One** : hey chetta

**Chetta** : What did you do

**Eagle One** : so i kinda tripped over something and then the next thing i knew the bedroom door is kinda off of the hinges 

**Chetta** : What the fuck

**Eagle One** : yeah so we don’t have a bedroom door now

**Bruh** : give me 10 minutes

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : everyone in this chat is so ominous

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ferre can u com over im lonely 

**Combeferre** : Do you have any alcohol left?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yea i do

**Combeferre** : Be there in 5

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : (っ◔︣◡◔᷅)っ ❤

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**Eagle One** : baz is here 

**Eagle One** : he’s carrying a wholeass door ?????

**Eagle One** : where did he get it ??

**Foo Fighter** : THAT SON OF A BITCH STOLE MY CLOSET DOOR

**Épi-Pen** : im sorry WHAT ?

**Foo Fighter** : He doesn’t use our closet but _I_ do

**Foo Fighter** : He took the fucking door

**Eagle One** : this has been a lot to process but i need to talk to bahorel and figure out what the hell is happening 

**Chetta** : I’m on my way home

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged off!_

**Foo Fighter** : I’m coming over 

**Eagle One** : please don’t murder bahorel in our kitchen

**Eagle One** : joly will have a fit

**Foo Fighter** : I can try

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged off!_

**Cassette** : This is such a bizarre groupchat 

**Épi-Pen** : are we the only ones online ?

**Cassette** : I think so

**Cassette** : Want to go get ice cream?

**Épi-Pen** : do u even have to ASK

**Épi-Pen** : ilysm

**Cassette** : <3

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged off!_

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus points to you if you can name where all the quotes come from
> 
> im super used to either parisian accents or accents from lyon so corsican accents are ridiculously bizarre to me
> 
> theyre weird but still understandable, but courfeyrac has never heard one before so hes having trouble deciphering it
> 
> also “le titi parisien” is an old parisian accent that you’ll typically hear in old french films from the 30s/40s, its like the american trans-atlantic accent
> 
> my two favourite things are getting meta as hell and drunk!jolras so i did both this chapter
> 
> also, for those of you who are both here and on my super angsty fic, i am in the process of writing a sequel from c squared’s perspective, so look out for that !!
> 
> thanks for all the love, i really cant even express how much it means to me <3


	7. Mamma Mia ! Marius is back again !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im so sorry that this took so long to get out
> 
> ive had a rough couple of days since my brain decided that suddenly it wanted my depression to act up so i haven’t felt great 
> 
> but i really didn’t want to keep you guys waiting for too long, so here’s a chapter !
> 
> sorry it’s kinda short and bad, i usually write them in one sitting but no matter how hard i tried i couldn’t do that for this 
> 
> but anyway, we hit 10.000 words ! yay ! 
> 
> thank you for the continued support <3

**_R_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : hey so joly

**R** : @ **Jelly Belly**

**R** : oh hell and ferre too

**R** : @ **Combeferre**

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged on!_

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : ok so

**R** : hypothetically 

**R** : theoretically

**R** : if you hit someone in the face with a broom

**Combeferre** : Oh no

**R** : how long are they supposed to stay unconscious for before you get help

**Jelly Belly** : Whose flat are you at

**R** : mine

**Jelly Belly** : I’m coming over right now

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged off!_

**Combeferre** : Grantaire. 

**R** : yessir

**Combeferre** : Who did you hit

**Combeferre** : And probably break the nose of

**Combeferre** : Grantaire I can see you typing

**Combeferre** : Grantaire. 

**R** : in my defence

**R** : he was quiet

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : You’re fucking dead. 

**R** : oh look he woke up

**Combeferre** : ??????????

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks:** hfjgkgoforogifj

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : U DID NOT

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged on!_

**Épi-Pen** : uh ??????

**Enjolras** : Grantaire I know you’re reading the chat. Get out of the fucking bathroom right now. 

**R** : no

**Épi-Pen** : bathroom ??

**Enjolras** : He barricaded himself in the bathroom. I can’t get in. 

**Combeferre** : What even happened to lead to this situation???

**Enjolras** : Before I explain I would like to say that I am angry with ALL of you. 

**Enjolras** : Except for Ferre. 

**Combeferre** : Thanks babe

**Enjolras** : But right now I am directing my anger towards Grantaire. 

**Enjolras** : I woke up around 10 minutes ago, and I was beyond hungover, thanks to a certain someone. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : haha i think he means me

**Enjolras** : Do I look like I’m laughing. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : no sir

**Enjolras** : Anyway. 

**Enjolras** : I woke up very hungover, and I needed painkillers, so I left Grantaire’s room to go get them. 

**Enjolras** : He was sweeping because he apparently doesn’t own a hoover. 

**Enjolras** : I didn’t even sneak up on him or anything, I just walked out of the bedroom, and suddenly he jumps at the noise and whips around to hit me in the face with the broom. 

**Épi-Pen** : yikes how does your nose feel

**Enjolras** : What?

**Enjolras** : Oh shit. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**Combeferre** : Why does this always happen?

**Combeferre** : Why can’t we just a be a normal, happy family

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : that’s just how the chilli meets the cheese my guy

**Combeferre** : Please don’t call me “my guy”

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : my darling 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : my love

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : my top

**Épi-Pen** : alriiiiiight that’s enough of that

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jelly Belly** : This house is a fucking mess

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh no joly’s swearing

**Jelly Belly** : You’re damn right I’m swearing

**Jelly Belly** : I have one dumbass trying to stop his bleeding (and DEFINITELY broken) nose

**Jelly Belly** : And I don’t even know where the other one is

**_Marius_ ** _has logged on!_

**Marius** : Hey Guys Guess Who I Just Found!

**Épi-Pen** : what is it pontmercy

**Marius** : Well I Didn’t Really Find Him Per Say

**Marius** : More Like He Fell On Me From Above!

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : He didn’t. 

**Enjolras** : He did NOT. 

**Jelly Belly** : ENJOLRAS GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND ICE YOUR NOSE

**Enjolras** : GRANTAIRE JUMPED OUT THE BATHROOM WINDOW JOLY

**Marius** : It Was Pretty Funny Actually

**Marius** : I Was Just Walking Down The Street And Suddenly I See Grantaire Jump Off Of A Fire Escape And Then He Fell On Me And We Made Such A Scene!

**Jelly Belly** : NO NO NO

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged off!_

**Enjolras** : Joly just sprinted out of the building. 

**Enjolras** : I didn’t know he was capable of that. 

**Marius** : So Not To Judge, But Why Did Grantaire Fall Out Of A Window?

**Combeferre** : He was trying to hide 

**Marius** : Why?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : just backread the chat marius

**Marius** : Oh Dear

**Marius** : That’s Certainly A Predicament

**Enjolras** : Is Grantaire okay?

**Marius** : I Think So?

**Marius** : Oh Joly Is Down Here

**Marius** : We’re Bringing Grantaire Up

**_Marius_ ** _has left the conversation_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : does he realise u dont have to leave the chat everytime u log off ??

**Épi-Pen** : it’s pontmercy what did you expect 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : that’s fair 

**Enjolras** : Okay Joly and Marius just brought Grantaire up. 

**Combeferre** : I hate it here

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : :((((((((

**Épi-Pen** : rude

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : he was still online ???

**Épi-Pen** : guess so 

**Enjolras** : Grantaire is now on the couch and I am not letting him out of my sight. 

**Enjolras** : Neither will Joly. 

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged on!_

**Bruh:** hey chief 

**Bruh** : [ i made you something ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5bKTVW96RW4zNKHaw2Fi0L?si=FpziD7P6RJWYq-gd6ZFK8w)

**Enjolras** : What’s this?

**Bruh** : u mentioned that ur favourite genre was disco

**Bruh** : so i made u a disco playlist 

**Combeferre** : Bahorel half of this is just the village people 

**Bruh** : i fail to see a problem 

**Épi-Pen** : “lay all your love on me” by ABBA is on here twice

**Épi-Pen** : one of these is the Mamma Mia ! version 

**Épi-Pen** : @ **Cassette**

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged on!_

**Cassette** : Ooh I love Mamma Mia!

**Cassette** : Sophie is the best character 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh come on cosette that’s a little 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : y’know 

**Cassette** : Shut up Courfeyrac 

**Combeferre** : So I have a genuine question about Mamma Mia

**Combeferre** : Does it take place in a world where ABBA doesn’t exist, and everyone makes up the songs like it’s a movie musical 

**Combeferre** : Or have they all just memorised every ABBA song and created choreography to match 

**Épi-Pen** : i don’t like this question 

**Bruh** : i also don’t like the question 

**Enjolras** : I’ve never seen Mamma Mia

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : WHAT

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : COSETTE IS YOUR SISTER AND YOUVE NEVER SEEN MAMMA MIA

**Enjolras** : To be fair it’s in English so I don’t have any idea what’s happening. 

**Cassette** : You don’t have to speak the language to appreciate Amanda Seyfried 

**Épi-Pen** : amen

**Enjolras** : Fine. I’ll watch it sometime. 

**Combeferre** : Yeah even I have seen it 

**Enjolras** : That's because Courf has definitely made you watch it. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yeah i did 

**Enjolras** : Is Waterloo in it?

**Épi-Pen** : ofc you’d ask that 

**Combeferre** : I don’t remember, but I remember it being in Mamma Mia! Here we go again 

**Enjolras** : Well I’ll watch that then 

**Enjolras** : Bahorel did you put Waterloo in that playlist?

**Bruh** : u bet ur sweet fucking ass i did 

**Bruh** : first song baybey 

**Enjolras** : I’m going to clean Grantaire’s flat to this playlist. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**Cassette** : Okay but now I want to watch Mamma Mia again 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : MOVIE NIGHT !!!

**Combeferre** : You can all come over to our flat, Enjolras is probably going to stay with Grantaire tonight

**Épi-Pen** : fuck yeah 

**Bruh** : yesssss 

**Combeferre** : Just bring some sort of snack 

**Cassette** : On it 

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged off!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you understand the reference to amanda seyfried, cosette, and mamma mia, i love you
> 
> im sorry if this chapter wasn’t as funny as the rest :(
> 
> also the disco playlist that bahorel sent is what ive been trying to use to cheer myself up, and im realising now that i didn’t put NEARLY enough Claude françois on there 
> 
> also, ik the majority (if not all of you) of my readers speak english, but does anyone have any recs for fics in french ? i can’t really find any :(((
> 
> but thank you all for the comments (there’s like 35 from you !! that’s so many) you guys are so sweet 
> 
> -el <3


	8. Legally Blonde, Clueless and Mean Girls walk into a bar, but all that happens is that we find out that Enjolras is a bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey !!! 
> 
> thanks to everyone for the loving comments, i definitely feel better than i have the past couple of days; i had my weekly call with my therapist today so she was amazing as always, and you guys’ comments were so sweet !!
> 
> ive never seen mean girls, or listened to the musical, but A_Butter_Churner asked for it and i would literally die for them so i had to add it
> 
> also shhh but as always Grantaire’s really specific stories are actually my own
> 
> (other than breaking someones nose but i HAVE jumped out of a window)
> 
> enjoy !!!!!

**_R_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : hello all of my lovely friends who love me because i am lovely

**R** : i know i did wrong when i broke my boyfriend’s nose and jumped out a window so from the bottom of my heart

**R** : my bad

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged on!_

**Épi-Pen** : isn’t that what you said in 8th grade after you broke 4 tenor saxophones in one weekend

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged on!_

**Eagle** **One** : ?? 

**Eagle One** : that sounds like something i would do

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im sorry what

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : At this point I shouldn’t be surprised. 

**Enjolras** : I stopped being surprised after you told me about the 18th birthday tuna. 

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jelly Belly** : 18th birthday tuna?????

**R** : theres too much to explain right now

**R** : im going to clear my name right now for the saxophone situation

**R** : i only broke one

**R** : the first saxophone had the octave key bashed in by a dumbass with a trombone

**R** : the second and third were already broken because public high school instruments are garbage

**R** : and the fourth one was indeed my fault because i fell on it

**Jelly Belly** : You fell on it ??????????

**R** : i blame the drill writer for Carmen

**R** : expecting a child to book it backwards across the field in 5 seconds is asking a lot im just saying

**Épi-Pen** : lmao you completely snapped the neck off

**R** : that i did

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : thats cool n all but

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : birthday tuna ??

**R** : so in 9th grade i found a can of tuna in my cabinet that expired on my 18th birthday so i kept it and cracked it open and ate it on my birthday

**Jelly Belly** : HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE

**R** : spite

**Épi-Pen** : calm down edgelord

**Eagle One** : wait what happened to pontmercy 

**Eagle One** : he isn’t in the chat

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : marius leaves the chat whenever he wants to log off

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has added_ **_Marius_ ** _to the conversation._

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : OH FUCK WAIT 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : I LOST IT 

**Jelly Belly** : What ??

**Enjolras** : What did you lose, Courf. 

**Jelly Belly** : Courf I’m worried !!!!!!!

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : so i was dancing in the bathroom 2 the mean girls soundtrack and then suddenly one of my airpods went flying and i dont kno where it is 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i think its under the bathroom vanity 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : :((((((

**Enjolras** : Mean Girls?

**R** : honestly this is just painful at this point

**Eagle One** : courf id help but i think i'd break ur vanity

**Épi-Pen** : god OF COURSE enjolras doesnt know Mean Girls

**Épi-Pen** : i’m actually kinda offended

**Enjolras** : Listen- I’m not completely Clueless when it comes to movies and musicals. 

**R** : did you just

**Enjolras** : It’s a shame I’m going to PSL and not SciencesPo. 

**Enjolras** : I’m already blond, now I just need a law degree. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : DID U JUST

**Enjolras** : I’ve never heard of Mean Girls but you can’t say “of course” because I’m more knowledgeable than I seem. 

**R** : youre a walking contraction is what you are

**Enjolras** : Rude. 

**_Marius_ ** _has logged on!_

**Marius** : Ooh, Are We Talking About Mean Girls?

**Marius** : I Love That Musical

**Eagle One** : no 

**Eagle One** : it can’t be

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : PONTMERCY???????

**Marius** : I Thought The Musical Was Nice

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has re-named the conversation “mean girls fanclub”_

**Épi-Pen** : this cannot be real

**R** : okay who’s everyone’s favourite character 

**Épi-Pen** : karen. 

**R** : wow okay fast

**R** : look i get youre horny for cosette but

**Épi-Pen** : shut the fuck up

**Jelly Belly** : I like Karen as well !!!

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : gretchen

**Enjolras** : I don’t know what we’re talking about but I like Elle Woods. 

**R** : okay enj

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : marius get ur ass in the bathroom right now

**Marius** : Um Okay?

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has sent a video to “mean girls fanclub”_

**«** [Courfeyrac has balanced the camera against the wall and has dragged Marius into the shot]

**NOW YOU KNOW, CADY, REGINA GEORGE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS**

**AND WE’RE GOING TO MAKE HER PAY**

**MARIUS YOUR TURN**

Uhh you know what friends do?

They've got your back and they're fun to be around!

**YEAH YOU GOT IT MARIUS**

Whuh-oh, whuh-oh, whuh-oh!

When someone hurts you then they attack

And grind your foe into the ground

[Courfeyrac is now dancing whilst Marius sings the entire song]

Whuh-oh, whuh-oh, whuh-oh!

**YEAH MAN**

Imagine a party with dresses and cake

And singing and dancing and cake

And there's a magic act that saws Regina in half

And this time it will take!

**UH HUH YEAH**

Now that's a party!

**FUCK YEA**

A revenge party

A party that ends

With somebody's head on a spike!

**OOOH DAMN**

Whuh-oh, whuh-oh, whuh-oh!

**YESSSSS**

[Courfeyrac and Marius finish the song] **»**

**Enjolras** : This feels like an intimate moment that I shouldn’t have interrupted. 

**R** : im coming over

**Enjolras** : Um. 

**Enjolras** : Okay?

**Enjolras** : Any reason?

**R** : we’re gonna sing there right there 

**Enjolras** : Like hell we are. 

**R** : ill let you be elle and the gay guy

**Enjolras** : Excuse you his name is Nikos Argitakos. 

**Épi-Pen** : holy shit you’ve actually listened 

**Enjolras** : I had to look up what all of the lyrics meant but yes, I’ve listened. 

**Jelly Belly** : !!!!!!!!!!!

**Jelly Belly** : That’s amazing !!!!!

**Enjolras** : I really only disagree with one thing. 

**Enjolras** : “Depending on the time of day, the French go either way”. 

**Enjolras** : I hate to disappoint, but I only go one way. 

**R** : is this some convoluted way of telling me youre straight 

**Enjolras** : This is a convoluted way of joking that I am a homosexual. 

**Marius** : I Found It Funny

**Enjolras** : See, Marius found it funny. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : thats not something to be proud of

**Enjolras** : Well now you’re just being rude to Marius, and I cannot stand for this. 

**Enjolras** : Grantaire I thought you were coming over. 

**R** : yeah okay keep your pants on im coming

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : shouldnt you take ur pants off if ur coming 

**Épi-Pen** : gross 

**Eagle One** : gross

**R** : gross

**Jelly Belly** : Yuck!

**Marius** : Courfeyrac That Was Rather Inappropriate 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im sorry marius ill try to be better 

**Marius** : :)

**Marius** : Oh Dear I Need To Go

**_Marius_ ** _has left the conversation_

**Épi-Pen** : hes such an old man

**Jelly Belly** : Does he not realise you don’t have to leave??

**Eagle One** : guess not 

**Eagle One** : oh btw joly chettas coming over in 15 

**Jelly Belly** : Oh I’m on my way back!

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _has logged off!_

**Eagle One** : see y’all later

**_Eagle One_ ** _has logged off!_

**R** : ok but seriously enj im headed over in a sec

**Enjolras** : You’ve said that so many times and yet you aren’t here. 

**R** : courf why are all bottoms this whiny

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i-

**Épi-Pen** : this chat is literally just THE place to expose enjolras

**Enjolras** : God help you all. 

**Enjolras** : Get your ass over here right now. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**Épi-Pen** : hes like 195 cm how do you even top that

**R** : thats for me to know and you to hopefully not find out

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : when did he suddenly become a bottom bc he wasnt like that before

**R** : what

**Épi-Pen** : ?????

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ive said too much

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**R** : NO YOU COME BACK 

**R** : DID YOU AND ENJOLRAS HAVE SEX

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**Épi-Pen** : ive never been more confused

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged off!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so im not actually 18 yet, but i found the tuna can a few months ago and im saving it until my birthday and YES i will crack it open and eat it
> 
> more meta/4th wall breaking because i crave it 
> 
> so i wrote the line “ This is a convoluted way of joking that I am a homosexual.” and i was CACKLING so i hope its actually funny and not just me 
> 
> eek the nice comments make me so happy, i love you all !!! 
> 
> :))))))


	9. So what’s up with Enjolras and Courfeyrac ? The answer may shock you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a love/hate relationship with this chapter
> 
> there are some funny things but at the same time i am not one to venture into the realm of writing smut so this is literally the closest i will ever get
> 
> an alternate title for this chapter is-  
> the rumour come out: does courfeyrac is gay ?
> 
> also i would like to state that i was in home depot today so enjolras’ story is based on my own
> 
> thanks for the love as always and i hope you enjoy

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jehan** : what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

**Jehan** : @ **Courfey-racks-on-racks**

**Jehan** : @ **Enjolras**

**Jehan** : i need explanations 

**Jehan** : @ **Courfey-racks-on-racks**

**Jehan** : @ **Enjolras**

**Jehan** : @ **Courfey-racks-on-racks**

**Jehan** : @ **Enjolras**

**_R_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : i asked enj about it and he avoided the question by talking about the farmer buying a singular can of spray paint in home depot

**R** : which was either a really specific excuse or he actually saw a farmer in home depot

**Jehan** : i hate this chat

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : Oh fuck no. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**R** : YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR PROBLEMS SOMEDAY ENJOLRAS

**R** : @ **Enjolras**

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : Hi

**Jehan** : yeah no tell us what happened

**Enjolras** : Would you care to hear about the Home Depot farmer?

**Jehan** : no 

**Jehan** : did you sleep with courfeyrac

**Enjolras** : @ **Courfey-racks-on-racks**

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i dont like this question very much

**Enjolras** : I do not consent to this. 

**R** : please 

**Enjolras** : No. 

**Jehan** : pretty please ?

**Enjolras** : No. 

**R** : :(((((((

**Enjolras** : Stop. 

**Jehan** : :(((((((((((((((

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh my god fine

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yes 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : we did

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : but we were 15 at the time

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : happy ?

**Enjolras** : I’m not. 

**Jehan** : no i would like to know more

**Enjolras** : I’m still offering the Home Depot story. 

**R** : sorry babe ive already heard it

**Enjolras** : Don’t call me babe. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : thats not what you said 5 years ago

**Enjolras** : Yes, you’re right. 

**Enjolras** : I just told you to shut the fuck up. 

**Enjolras** : And you DIDN’T. 

**Jehan** : what rabbit hole have we fallen down

**R** : i don’t know but i hate it

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : fuck you 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im going to tell the story

**Enjolras** : Well if memory serves, you’re already off to the wrong start. 

**Jehan** : what ?????

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac said “fuck you” but if I remember correctly it was fuck YOU. 

**Jehan** : I HATE IT HERE

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ok fine fuck me 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : but i mean the story isnt really that complicated despite how we make it seem

**Enjolras** : Courfeyrac was in love with Combeferre but Courfeyrac wasn’t sure if he was actually gay so he approached me and asked if we could have sex. 

**Enjolras** : I said yes because we were 15 and I didn’t think that it would come back to haunt me when I was 20. 

**R** : why would you agree to that

**Enjolras** : I DON’T KNOW STOP JUDGING ME

**R** : wait courf said something yesterday about you not being a bottom 

**R** : did you top him ?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : in the most lax definition of the word, yes he did

**R** : what the fuck does that mean

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : u think that boy knows what hes doing ?

**R** : yeah okay fair

**Enjolras** : Rude. 

**Jehan** : does anyone else know ??

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : originally just ferre but now everyone i guess

**R** : tbh i wouldve expected you three to have had a threesome by now

**Enjolras** : Ew no. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : no thats weird

**Jehan** : oh and you two isnt ????

**Enjolras** : Incest is weirder. 

**R** : you two arent related 

**Enjolras** : We’re close enough. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : basically incest is weirder than homies helping homies

**Enjolras** : Please don’t refer to the incident as that. 

**R** : “the incident”

**R** : your making it sound like its a fucking murder

**R** : was it that bad ??

**Enjolras** : *You’re

**R** : yOuRe deflecting the question

**Enjolras** : I really don’t want to be here. 

**R** : yeah well plan ahead whenever you do something now 

**R** : or should i say someONE

**_Enjolras_ ** _has left the conversation_

**R** : no come back please

**_R_ ** _has added_ **_Enjolras_ ** _to the conversation_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ok but can u 2 do ur weird foreplay somewhere else

**Enjolras** : I hate being here. 

**Enjolras** : Why did I make this?

**Jehan** : dw enj i hate it here too

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged on!_

**Cassette** : Oh that’s fucking gross

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : no sette come back pls

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged on!_

**Cassette** : Dad likes you Courf

**Cassette** : He likes you

**Cassette** : Don’t EVER bring up anything to do with this around him

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh my god no i would never

**Enjolras** : Can I come over

**Cassette** : Who are you talking to 

**Enjolras** : Everyone. 

**Enjolras** : Anyone. 

**Enjolras** : Except for Courfeyrac. 

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged on!_

**Foo Fighter** : You can come over here

**Enjolras** : I love you. 

**Foo Fighter** : I know

**Enjolras** : If we’re still talking about this by the time I get back on here, I’m breaking up with you. 

**R** : me ?

**Enjolras** : I’m breaking up with the whole friend group. 

**Enjolras** : Les Amis?

**Enjolras** : More like Les EnnAMIS. 

**Cassette** : Oh my god

**_Cassette_ ** _has removed_ **_Enjolras_ ** _from the conversation_

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged on!_

**Combeferre** : What did you do

**Combeferre** : Enjolras just stomped out of the flat after yelling 

**Combeferre** : “I’m going to Feuilly’s because he doesn’t talk about my mistakes and he actually appreciates me, unlike everyone else”

**Foo Fighter** : Well I might talk about it when he gets here but then again I don’t want to be on his hit list

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : have i ever told u how much i love u ferre

**Combeferre** : Oh gross

**Combeferre** : Who brought up the Enjolras/Courfeyrac incident of 10th grade

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i love how u dont get mad at me for my mistakes bc u realise im human and u love me too

**Combeferre** : Mathieu 

**Combeferre** : The three of us agreed to never speak of that again

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ok but i blame grantaire

**R** : what the fuck

**R** : thats not fair

**R** : also enj has a hit list ?? why did we just skip over that

**Foo Fighter** : Okay you, me , Jehan and Ferre are all not on it so don’t worry

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : whos #1

**Foo Fighter** : Oh would you look at the time

**Foo Fighter** : I need to go feed my cactus

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : nooooooooo

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enjy wants me DEAD ?

**R** : wow were you that bad

**Cassette** : Please

**Cassette** : Everyone

**Cassette** : Stop

**Combeferre** : I agree with Cosette

**Jehan** : im kinda surprised you just accepted it ferre 

**Jehan** : when did courf tell you

**Combeferre** : he came to me like a week later and he said something along the lines of

**Combeferre** : “So basically I had sex with Enjolras but I did it because I was having a sexuality crisis over you so I wanted to see if I was actually gay and yup I am and I think I love you”

**Jehan** : wow

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : well the jokes on him bc he said yes to a date

**Combeferre** : Enjolras may regret ever interacting with you but I only kind of do

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i love u

**R** : gross stop acting like an old married couple

**Cassette** : I would like to forget that I ever had to read about my brother’s sex life so I think I’ll be going now, thanks

**_Cassette_ ** _has logged off!_

**Jehan** : i really hate it here

**R** : same

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : wait so if enj left in a rage

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ;)))

**Jehan** : this has been the worst experience in this chat so far

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**R** : ferre do you want to hear enjolras’ home depot farmer story

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged off!_

**R** : yeah thats fair

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might give the home depot farmer his own chapter honestly, he was quite the guy
> 
> this is honestly probably the worst thing ive ever written but i also love it so much
> 
> its times like these that im happy i dont have a beta or anything because i want to spring these chapters out of nowhere and make people so confused 
> 
> id say this chapter has definitely the most ooc barricade boys, but at the same time, im not striving to be 100% accurate in this fic, in my other serious ones, yes i definitely take more time and put in more effort but this one is my personal “fuck you” to victor hugo
> 
> if you hate me after this chapter honestly that’s perfectly acceptable and im with you 100%


	10. No I’m not kidding, every single story in this is real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg hi im back AGAIN 
> 
> im having so much fun
> 
> as requested, i put the Home Depot story in 
> 
> i hope you enjoy <3
> 
> (and yes every single story here is my own, i wish i could say they were made up)

**_R_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : hi guys 

**R** : enj is pissed

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : ill give you a sec to backread

**Épi-Pen** : holy fuck

**Épi-Pen** : why is he pissed ??

**Épi-Pen** : i’m actually afraid

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : omg hes coming after me isnt he 

**R** : youre not actually number one on the list courf

**R** : im pretty sure number one is the monoprix lady

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged on!_

**Bruh** : hes still not over the monoprix lady ??

**R** : nope

**R** : but thats not what hes mad about today

**R** : hang on

**_R_ ** _has added_ **_Enjolras_ ** _to the conversation!_

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : use your words apollo

**Enjolras** : I am mad. 

**Épi-Pen** : why are you mad enjolras

**Enjolras** : I am mad because no one wanted to listen to my story. 

**Bruh** : what story ??

**Épi-Pen** : we werent in the chat yesterday 

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged on!_

**Chetta** : I would love to hear your story

**Enjolras** : Thank you Musichetta. 

**Enjolras** : I’m talking about the Home Depot story. 

**Enjolras** : I was in Home Depot, looking for light fixtures, because I heard that Bossuet knocked one of the sconces off of his wall. 

**Chetta** : Oh were you the one who replaced that?

**Enjolras** : Yes I was. 

**Chetta** : Thank you :’)

**Enjolras** : Anytime. 

**Enjolras** : But I was in Home Depot, and I was very confused because I am confused in general by hardware stores. So I’m walking through the store, looking for the lighting, and I see this man standing in the middle of the store. 

**Enjolras** : He was a dictionary definition farmer.

**Enjolras** : He was wearing a straw hat, inside the store, and had on overalls with no sort of shirt. 

**Enjolras** : M. Farmer was standing in the middle of the store, with a singular can of spray paint, or bug spray, or something in a can, but he was just standing there shaking it and staring straight ahead. 

**Enjolras** : So I walked away from M. Farmer, and I turn a corner and I see a cowboy. 

**Enjolras** : I’m not sure if this man realised that we aren’t in Texas, but there was a fully decked out cowboy using a handsaw. 

**Enjolras** : At this point, I am now trapped between M. Cowboy and M. Farmer, so I turned and walked out of the store and went elsewhere for the sconce. 

**R** : legend says that the farmer is still there, shaking his singular can of spray paint 

**Enjolras** : Thank you for listening. 

**Chetta** : It was my pleasure 

**Épi-Pen** : the thing i miss most about america is the cowboys

**R** : yeah you cant see a cowboy with a revolver going to in-n-out in france now can you

**Bruh** : i think id make a great cowboy

**R** : i think so too

**Chetta** : Oh god what was that

**Chetta:** I just heard a loud crash

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enjy my darling 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : do u actually have a hit list

**Enjolras** : Wouldn’t you like to know. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ok what number am i 

**Enjolras** : 7

**Épi-Pen** : that’s lower than i was expecting 

**Enjolras** : Number 1 is Macron. 

**R** : i dont think you can go around saying that enj 

**Enjolras** : Like that’s ever stopped me before. 

**Enjolras** : Number 2 is Boris Johnson. 

**Bruh** : what is with your inherent need to murder world leaders

**Enjolras** : Number 3 is Donald Trump. 

**Épi-Pen** : this is concerning 

**Enjolras** : Number 4 is the Monoprix lady. 

**Bruh** : wow okay you really cannot get over her

**Enjolras** : SHE CUT ME OFF IN THE PARKING LOT AND I ALMOST LOST MY LICENSE IT IS PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : wasn’t this 3 years ago 

**Enjolras** : Congratulations you have been moved up to 6th. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : WHAT NO WHY

**Enjolras** : Number 5 is the library guy. 

**R** : i feel as though you’ve already solved that problem 

**Enjolras** : Not enough. 

**Épi-Pen** : are any of us on there 

**Enjolras** : Grantaire was number 12 at one point. 

**R** : im going to wear that as a badge of honour

**R** : one time i made my way to number 2 on someone’s hit list 

**R** : i flirted my way up there, told him i loved him and bought him a dozen carnations for Valentine’s Day 

**Épi-Pen** : he only allegedly had one

**R** : yeah well i only aLlEgEdLy chugged a carton of school strawberry milk

**Bruh** : aren’t u lactose intolerant 

**R** : yes

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : genuine question 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : are you okay ?

**R** : i ask myself that everyday

**R** : the answer is usually no and then i go do more stupid shit

**R** : one time i fired an arrow off of my roof using a bow and it hit the store next to my house 

**R** : i also jumped off of the roof onto a very small pile of snow later in the year 

**R** : i almost concussed someone with a sousaphone once

**Enjolras** : Good lord. 

**_Chetta_ ** _has logged on!_

**Chetta** : So Boss fell in the shower and he kicked one of the appliances so it’s currently broken 

**Bruh** : ruh roh

**Chetta** : Also R I think you seriously need help

**R** : ive been ignoring a text from my aunt for 2 months and now I’m afraid to text back 

**R** : enj im coming over to your flat so i can cry

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : are u not concerned for him ??

**Enjolras** : He’s fine. 

**Enjolras** : Is Bossuet alright?

**Chetta** : Yeah hes fine as always

**Chetta** : I don’t know how he isn’t dead yet

**Épi-Pen** : wait chetta i have a great name idea

**Épi-Pen** : can i change yours 

**Chetta** : Go ahead 

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has re-named_ **_Chetta_ ** _to_ **_V is for Van-Chetta_ **

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Okay yeah that’s actually really good 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : I need to make sure my boys are still alive 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : I’d suggest you do the same Enjolras 

**Enjolras** : Grantaire’s here and he's already talking about the time he highlighted his hair. 

**Enjolras** : Apparently the highlights were yellow and now he’s depressed. 

**Enjolras** : I’m actually starting to get concerned. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Yikes 

**_V is for Van-Chetta_ ** _has logged off!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** GUYS

**Épi-Pen** : what

**Bruh** : what 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : WE R GOING SHOPPING TO MAKE BAHOREL A COWBOY 

**Bruh** : oh FUCK yes

**Épi-Pen** : im in

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : okay meet at my flat in 10

**Bruh** : coming over now 

**Épi-Pen** : On my way! 

**Épi-Pen** : why does apple autocorrect that 

**Épi-Pen** : i have literally never been that enthusiastic to go anywhere , ever 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : not even for cowboy shopping ?????????

**Épi-Pen** : ok maybe for cowboy shopping 

**Épi-Pen** : omw rn

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone i know in real life reads this, they’ll know it’s me immediately and i don’t know if im ready for that lmao
> 
> yes i did buy the guy 12 carnations Valentine’s Day, yes he does hate me, no i don’t regret it 
> 
> also i wish i had some sort of like tumblr to link here ? i don’t think ill ever make one, because i really don’t know how it works, but if anyone wants my tiktok or snapchat ?? i can give you those if you want ???
> 
> also i advise against chugging a carton of milk if you’re lactose intolerant, it hurts
> 
> but thank you for all the kudos and comments and everything, even though im very clearly not a stable human being you guys love me and i love you back <3


	11. Subtlety ? What’s that ? I only know breaking the 4th wall, and Eyeliner Enjolras

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this chapter was so much fucking fun to write
> 
> as always, any specific stories in this are my own, yes you should probably be worried 
> 
> i have work in like 7 hours but who needs sleep ?

**_R_ ** _has logged on!_

**R** : okay so

**R** : hear me out

**R** : enjolras

**R** : but in eyeliner

**R** : im thinking yes

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged on!_

**Épi-Pen** : you see, i’d love to, but i have just one small problem with your plan

**R** : oh please what could go wrong

**Épi-Pen** : you’re forgetting that neither of us happens to be named combeferre or feuilly 

**R** : are you implying that my boyfriend likes combeferre and feuilly more than me

**Épi-Pen** : oh no i'm not implying

**Épi-Pen** : i’m directly stating

**R** : okay but like ramin karimloo ???

**R** : enj likes him

**R** : he could look like ramin 

**R** : i think itd be hot 

**Épi-Pen** : it would be 

**Épi-Pen** : but it would also be pretty hot to keep all of my bones intact 

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged on!_

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i agree w that enjy in eyeliner thing but lemme tell u abt my DAY

**Épi-Pen** : o no

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : so i went 2 the DOCTORS today

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : why tf i need to go there when im dating a sexy ass doctor is beyond me but 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : so i was in the office and the nurse practitioner hands some paper

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : the usual paperwork thats like “are u depressed” “do u have anger issues”

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : but then after that she gives me another piece of paper thats about “our growing bodies” and “a guide to adolescence”

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : my doctor also gave me a chickenpox shot because apparently the one i had when i was like 2 months old didn't ReGiStEr

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : she also asked if i drink alcohol but i was too distracted by her clogs to answer

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : they were bright purple

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged on!_

**Jehan** : why does the word “bemused” mean confused 

**Jehan** : it sounds like it should mean amused

**Jehan** : also mirth should be a bad adjective 

**Jehan** : sounds like wrath

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : have i evr told u guys abt the time i fainted when getting bloodwork done ?

**_Bruh_ ** _has logged on!_

**Bruh** : hey guys wanna see something

**Bruh** : actually i have nothing to send idk why the fuck i sent that

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : How illegal is it to assassinate the President?

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged on!_

**Foo Fighter** : I drove past a GOLF CLUB today and there were rich white men EVERYWHERE

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : is pontmercy in this chat ??

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i wanna get a dog

**R** : what the fuck just happened

**Épi-Pen** : couldn’t tell you

**R** : @ **Combeferre**

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged on!_

**Combeferre** : Alright children, settle down

**Bruh** : ok dad

**Jehan** : alright dad

**Foo Fighter** : Okay pops

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ok my love

**Enjolras** : No. 

**Combeferre** : Enjolras

**Enjolras** : I refuse to bow to an authoritative figure in my life. 

**Enjolras** : This is why I call my fathers by their names. 

**R** : enj pls just listen to the man

**Enjolras** : God FINE. 

**Enjolras** : I’ll settle down for you, daddy. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : nO

**Épi-Pen** : fucking christ

**Jehan** : I. 

**Jehan** : HATE. 

**Jehan** : IT. 

**Jehan** : HERE. 

**Enjolras** : Anyways. 

**Enjolras** : Combeferre, please answer my question. 

**Combeferre** : Uh ???

**Combeferre** : It’s pretty damn illegal E

**Enjolras** : What if they don’t know it’s me. 

**Foo Fighter** : Why are you so pissed off at Macron

**Enjolras** : He said France needed a king. 

**Bruh** : yea like THREE YEARS AGO

**Enjolras** : And?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enj ur pure of heart dumb of ass honest to god 

**Combeferre** : I’m going to respond to each of you one at a time

**Combeferre** : Jehan, English is a very stupid language and many things don’t make sense in it

**Combeferre** : Bahorel, I’m sure you could find something interesting to show us

**Combeferre** : Feuilly, that’s how golf clubs tend to be; a lot of the time some old white man has to die in order for another middle-aged white man to replace him

**Combeferre** : Courf, Marius is not in the chat, but I think it would be a bad idea to get a dog

**Combeferre** : Also you can tell your health stories after I’m done

**Combeferre** : Enjolras

**Combeferre** : Where do I even start

**Enjolras** : Rude. 

**Combeferre** : You cannot assassinate Emmanuel Macron, because murder is illegal

**Enjolras** : Murder is the unlawful killing of another human being. Is it stated somewhere that it is illegal to kill Macron SPECIFICALLY. 

**Combeferre** : I don’t fucking know man, but it IS stated that you can’t kill people

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : can i tell my stories now 🥺

**Combeferre** : Yes you can sweetheart

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : so one time when i was 14 the doctors had to take blood to do blood tests and they took 5 vials at once and i fainted after the 2nd one 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : also one time i had pneumonia and they gave me pills that were like

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : really big pills and i was 10 so i didnt kno how 2 swallow them 

**R** : you’re like me but with doctors instead of dentistry 

**Épi-Pen** : everyone here needs severe help

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yup !

**Enjolras** : Combeferre Macron’s wife was 40 when he met her at age 15. 

**Bruh** : why are we still on this

**Enjolras** : BECAUSE IT’S WEIRD. 

**Enjolras** : IMAGINE IF I MARRIED M. LAMARQUE. 

**Enjolras** : WOULD THAT NOT BE STRANGE. 

**Foo Fighter** : Enj honey

**Foo Fighter** : Calm down 

**Enjolras** : Okay…

**R** : WHAT THE FUCK

**R** : feuilly can you convince enj to wear eyeliner 

**R** : bc apparently you alone can convince him to calm down 

**Jehan** : eyeliner enjolras ???

**R** : [ ramin karimloo talked about it ](https://youtu.be/jCAsic22OVs)

**Bruh** : what the fuck is Les Misérables 

**Épi-Pen** : that’s the book about the twinks right 

**Jehan** : no aren’t the sewers and churchmen the main characters

**R** : fuck victor hugo 

**R** : me n my homies HATE victor hugo 

**Combeferre** : I don’t think you’d really want to fuck Victor Hugo 

**R** : no i think i do

**Enjolras** : Didn’t he have sex with the entirety of Paris?

**Combeferre** : Probably!

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : life goals honestly 

**Enjolras** : Isn’t Les Misérables about the June Rebellion?

**Jehan** : fucking probably 

**Jehan** : i think we should be asking what that book ISNT about

**Enjolras** : God I wish I was a rebel in the June Rebellion.

**Foo Fighter** : You know they lost right ??

**Enjolras** : What’s your point. 

**R** : noah fence babe but i think you’d probably get shot like

**R** : 8 times

**Enjolras** : Rude. 

**Bruh** : ok but like really what is it

**Combeferre** : A movie based on a musical based on a book where a small amount is about the June Rebellion of 1832 and the rest is about fuck all

**Épi-Pen** : would you care to hear about Waterloo

**Bruh** : that sounds awful who would read that 

**R** : haha yeah who’d do that

**R** : you, that’s who 

**Foo Fighter** : Who ?

**R** : oh you know 

**Foo Fighter** : I really don’t 

**R** : oH yOu KnoW

**Bruh** : [ i have something to send now ](https://youtu.be/iFtJHaY2vI8)

**R** : oh FUCK yeah

**R** : cheers to that 

**R** : im gonna go watch it

**_R_ ** _has logged off!_

**Épi-Pen** : do you he- singing the son- o comes- ee- is there a world you- see

**Jehan** : im too stoned for this shit

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ur stoned ??

**Jehan** : yea duh

**Jehan** : want some ?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ferre ?

**Combeferre** : as long as you’re back by a reasonable hour and don’t die, sure

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : i absolutely adore u

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Jehan_ ** _has logged off!_

**Enjolras** : So here’s what I’m thinking-

**Foo Fighter** : No

**Bruh** : no

**Épi-Pen** : no

**Combeferre** : Absolutely not

**Enjolras** : I was going to propose lunch but OKAY. 

**Foo Fighter** : Actually lunch sounds great

**Épi-Pen** : you have ulterior motives

**Enjolras** : I do not. 

**Combeferre** : I’m down for lunch

**Bruh** : food ?? fuck yea 

**Épi-Pen** : fine

**Enjolras** : Musain in 20?

**Combeferre:** Sounds great

**Foo Fighter** : Sure

**Bruh** : okee

**Épi-Pen** : yup

**_Combeferre_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Bruh_** _has logged off !_

**_Épi-Pen_ ** _has logged off!_

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _has logged off!_

**Enjolras** : Oh you guys are so fucked. 

**Enjolras** : ;-)

**_Enjolras_ ** _has logged off!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but the thing w bahorel and him not sending anything actually happened lmao
> 
> my best friend texted me at like 3 am and this is how my convo w him went-  
> him: Bruh wannna see something  
> me: sure  
> him: I literally had nothing to show I dont even fucking know why I asked you that  
> Genuinely I have no idea why I sent that text  
> me: what the fuck
> 
> also yeah courf’s stories are my own (so is Feuilly’s) i was at the dr’s today and she gave a piece of paper about “our growing bodies” and then she was like “oh wait you’re 15 you don’t really need that do you”
> 
> did i project my own feelings about macron onto enj ?? yeah  
> do i think he’d agree ?? double yeah
> 
> i had so much fun getting meta lmao, and i would suggest clicking the links because they lead to fun stuff
> 
> thank you all for the support and i will continue to love everyone forever <333


	12. Courfeyrac is high, Enjolras is pissed off, Jehan hates it here, what’s new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry is this one kinda short ? it seems like it but idk
> 
> the lobster roll story is my own, and i just wanna say GOD BLESS YOU ERIN 
> 
> seriously im going to worship erin as a goddess now because she’s literally the best coworker on the planet
> 
> so usually i just base grantaire off of the shit i do but in this chapter i reaaaaaaally just made myself courf because while i don’t smoke weed or drink (i think id prolly die cause like meds n shit) this is honestly just how i act regularly 
> 
> can you find where i quoted the brick ???

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : god my head hurts

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Jelly Belly:** Not to be rude but you totally deserve it after smoking that much pot

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : :’((((((

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im gonna have more ;))))))

**_R_ ** _ has logged on! _

**R** : some guy ordered 2 lobster rolls at 10:30 this morning

**R** : first off 

**R** : we don’t serve lunch until 11:30

**R** : second off

**R** : i didnt even know we SERVED lobster rolls

**R** : i just awkwardly yelled “eRiiiiNNnNn”

**R** : erin helped

**R** : god bless erin 

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Jehan** : courf why did you just send me a video of you doing the renegade to the Jekyll and Hyde soundtrack 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : o yanno 

**Jehan** : no

**Jehan** : i really don’t 

**Jelly Belly** : Courf are those even words ???

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yeah <3

**R** : you good ??

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : sTiLl i PrAy EvErYdAy HeNrY mAy FiNd HiS wAy

**R** : so that’s a no

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Combeferre** : Courfeyrac locked himself in our bathroom

**Jelly Belly** : WHAT'S WRONG IS HE OKAY!?!?!?!?!?!??!

**Combeferre** : Calm down Joly, he’s physically fine

**Combeferre** : But I have no idea about mentally 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** :r-r-r-roll💿up⬆️to2️⃣the🤩party🥳with🧶my🧚crazy🤪pink💝wig💇🏼♀️

**Jehan** : oh no 

**R** : wait where did he get more weed

**Jehan** : that fucker stole some of mine yesterday 

**Jelly Belly** : I really don’t know what to do for you guys anymore 

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Jehan** : i can’t believe we actually made joly quit

**R** : yeah well it's courf what can you expect

**Combeferre** : That’s all well and good but Courfeyrac is still locked in my bathroom and I don’t know what he’s doing, but I think I can vaguely hear some song

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : shawty had them 🍎 apple 🍏🍑 bottom 🍑👖 jeans 👖 👢 Boots 👢 with the 🦊 fur 🐰 with the 🦊 fur 🐰 The whole 🕺 club 💃 was 👀👀👀 looking 👀👀👀 at 💃 her 💃 She ✋ hit ✋ the floor she ✋ hit ✋ the floor Next thing you know Shawty got 👇 low,👇 low,👇 low,👇 low,👇 low,👇 low,👇 low,👇 low 👇

**Combeferre** : That would be the song

**Jehan** : courf are you hand typing this shit ??

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yup !!!

**Jehan** : jesus

**Combeferre** : Hey Courf

**Combeferre** : Guess what

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : o i luv guessing games !!

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : uhhhhh

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : what 

**Combeferre** : A very special someone is here now !

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oOOooooooOoOoOo

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : who ???

**Combeferre** : It’s Enj !

**R** : oh my god is it actually 

**Combeferre** : Yes it is and he is beyond pissed 

**Jehan** : what happened ??

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Combeferre** : Here he comes

**Enjolras** : “What happened??” asks dear Prouvaire, concern, yet also a hint of fear, evident in his tone despite only sending those two words; and through next nonetheless! Text, though a difficult such medium to express emotion through, has been clearly mastered by the poet of the group Les Amis de l’ABC, a pun which we should do wrong to smile at. Puns are sometimes serious factors in politics; witness the Castratus ad castra, which made a general of the army of Narses; witness: Barbari et Barberini; witness: Tu es Petrus et super hanc petram, etc., etc. But, I shall digress from that and bring the matter back to my hand. 

**R** : are you done being melodramatic yet

**Enjolras** : You’re number six Grantaire, I wouldn’t speak if I were you. 

**Combeferre** : I thought Courf was 6

**Enjolras** : Oh he was. 

**Enjolras** : Not anymore. 

**Jehan** : as much as i love the whole victor hugo thing you've got going, can you tell us what happened 

**Enjolras** : I’ll tell you what fucking happened. 

**Enjolras** : Today someone decided that it’s officially “Spill as many things on Enjolras as physically possible” day. 

**R** : yikes

**Jehan** : oh he’s typing

**Jehan** : oh man

**R** : enj you’ve been typing for a while

**R** : you good ??

**Combeferre** : He’s currently alternating banging on the bathroom door and typing

**Combeferre** : I can actually hear his fingers hitting the screen

**Enjolras** : It’s a great day, a lovely day, I’m having a great time, and I’m covered in paint and coffee and other various drinks and probably chemicals as well; Professor Myriel decided that today was a lab day that we were using liquids for and fucking MARIA, the Corsican girl was paired up with me and spilt shit all over me, because Corsicans are the actual worst; they’re not patriotic at all, everyone there is honestly just kind of a bitch; why Pontmercy ever thought that they were important is beyont me; but I digress; so I was thinking that It would be wonderful to actually go home and take a shower because having chemicals all over you is actually very dangerous and a HEALTH HAZARD, but apparently Joly has decided he’s done with everyone’s bullshit so I can’t even use him as a driving force to get Courfeyrac out of my fucking bathroom, so I can clean myself and make sure I don’t get some sort of terminal fucking illness, so I’d love it if someone could let me take a shower because at this rate I’ll never get in so I fucking give up. 

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Enjolras** : You’re a fucking coward. 

**R** : enj you can come over here

**Enjolras** : Thank you. 

**Jehan** : aren’t you corsican

**Jehan** : like why do you shit talk corsica like that

**Enjolras** : Take it back. 

**R** : you literally are though

**Enjolras** : Take it back. 

**Jehan** : ok you’re going over to r’s place so actually i think i’m gonna take it back because i don’t want you to kill me 

**Jehan** : i’m so sorry 

**Enjolras** : You damn well should be. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged off! _

**R** : probably lock your doors

**Jehan** : yeah i think i will

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Combeferre** :𝔁𝓾𝓮🥶𝓱𝓾𝓪🧚♀️𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸😻𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸🗿𝓫𝓮𝓲👺𝓯𝓮𝓷𝓰🤩𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸😼𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸👣

**R** : how did he get your phone 

**Combeferre** : I don’t knowwwededddddddddd

**Combeferre** : hhhu888888888

**R** : oh my god it’s like marius all over again 

**R** : well i’ll leave y’all to it 

**R** : enj just got here and he looks like someone dragged him through the parisian sewer system 

**R** : but speaking of darling pontmercy

**R** : i suppose he's really the only one who would know how that feels 

**R** : and i think only victor hugo and god 

**R** : know what happens in the sewers 

**R** : anyways i went off on a small tangent but have fun you two <3

**_R_ ** _ has logged off!  _

**Combeferre** : Fucjkimgf churst 

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i don’t support shane dawson and i am aware that the context of the r-r-r-roll💿up⬆️to2️⃣the🤩party🥳with🧶my🧚crazy🤪pink💝wig💇🏼♀️ is pretty racist and also transphobic but i wanna let y’all know that i just find it funny and yeah, keep shane dawson cancelled pls i never liked him
> 
> anyways there’re like 89 kudos on this ?? that’s just crazy honestly, thank you guys because just whoah
> 
> Enjolras’ long ass sentence about his day is 195 words long so im honestly just trying to make vicky proud 
> 
> also okay, im gonna be writing a jekyll and hyde au (Based on the book) because i have no self control, so here’s me planning out who’s who-if you actually read the end notes, feel free to weigh in on it  
> Jekyll - enjolras  
> Hyde - Montparnasse  
> Lanyon- Grantaire  
> Utterson- Combeferre  
> Sir Danvers Carew- Claquesous  
> Enfield- idk yet  
> Poole- maybe Feuilly ?  
> Guest- either Marius or courfeyrac 
> 
> so yeah if you read that and wanna tell me who tf would possibly fit Enfield you’ll be my saviour (maybe javert ??)
> 
> thank you all for reading i love you all <33


	13. I’m so damn tired honestly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i meant to have this up a few days ago, on bastille day but it is currently 1 am on July 16th soooo
> 
> god work was hell today, like i had a 7 hour shift on 4 hours of sleep
> 
> if you care to listen, i work at a café; since im 15, my job is to ring up orders and make things like coffees, teas, smoothies, all that jazz
> 
> what i cannot do is make cocktails; you have to be 18 for that, and so that leaves us with only one person who can make cocktails; lets say (completely hypothetically haha) there are 3 people working the front; ones at storage so she isn’t there, ones held up making two cocktails and it’s going slowly because she’s a café worker, not a fucking bartender; what does that leave us with ? yup, me running between registers and coffee, trying to do both at the same time  
> needless to say, it was a big ol yikes
> 
> so yeah anyways, this chapter is kind short cause i just wanna sleeeeeeeep
> 
> hope you enjoy !!

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Enjolras** : :—))))))))))))))))

**Enjolras** : @  **Everyone**

**_R_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_V is for Van-Chetta_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Enjolras** : Wait a minute. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has added  _ **_Marius_ ** _ to the conversation.  _

**_Marius_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_Cassette_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Enjolras** : What's the point of @  **Everyone** if not everyone logs on :—(

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : y is ur smiley face nose so big 

**Enjolras** : You get a pass today, Courf. 

**Enjolras** : Today is a wonderful day. 

**Marius** : Happy Birthday You Two!!

**Cassette:** Thank you Marius

**Enjolras** : What. 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Ooh, it’s the wonder twins’ birthday!

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Happy birthday babes <3

**Cassette** : Aww, thank you Chetta :))

**Enjolras** : What?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : enjy poo’s 21st ! it’s such a big birthday 

**Cassette** : Only in the US

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yea wel whatevs

**Enjolras** : ???

**Combeferre** : Happy birthday Cosette; you’re the best ‘basically sister’ that a man could ask for, and I treasure our friendship 

**Cassette** : Ferre I think I’m going to cry at that tbh

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im crying

**Marius** : That Was So Moving

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Emotional Combeferre is so wholesome

**Combeferre** : And Enjolras; my best friend, my platonic soulmate, my closest companion 

**Combeferre** : Happy Bastille Day

**R** : oh my fucking god

**R** : he forgot didn’t he 

**Enjolras** : Wait Cosette, that’s why we’re having dinner with Javert and Valjean??

**Cassette** : Yes dumbass, why else

**Enjolras** : I thought it was to lecture me about something. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : wut did u do 2 deserve a lecture 

**Enjolras** : Haha. 

**Enjolras** : No. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : rude :(((((

**Marius** : Did You Forget Your Own Birthday??

**R** : you know it’s bad when PONTMERCY thinks you messed up lmao

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ugh TYPING

**V is for Van-Chetta** : If anything happens, I declare right now, that I have done nothing wrong

**Cassette** : You type so slowly 

**Enjolras** : Yes Marius, I did forget that it was my birthday. Consequently, I also forgot that it was Cosette’s. But in the grand scheme of the world, these little things are all for naught. There is no need to celebrate a singular person’s date of birth. We ought to celebrate the birth of a new republic on the 14th of July, 1789. 

**Enjolras** : Also fuck you. 

**R** : fun fact 

**R** : i don’t know why the 4th of july is America’s national holiday

**R** : something about thomas jefferson and weed paper

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Yeah that sounds right 

**Combeferre** : “The birth of a new republic”

**Combeferre** : You are aware that everyone, including Robespierre, were guillotined 

**Enjolras** : Yes well it’s the thought that counts. 

**Cassette** : Sure

**Cassette** : Anyways, I’m gonna go, because me and Ép are grabbing lunch, since neither of us forgot it’s our birthday 

**R** : hey listen im not the one who forgot 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : That doesn’t make the situation any better honey

**Enjolras** : Okay but really, why is it such a big deal? Woohoo, I’m turning 21. That’s just one more year that’s gone by that there’s still injustice in the world. The upper classes are living off of the poor; nothing has changed. Emmanuel Macron said we needed a king, so why not bring back the national razor and let him see what it’s like to have a king? 

**R** : each year is just a reminder that macron married a former teacher of his 

**Enjolras** : Yes exactly. 

**Enjolras** : Thank you my love. 

**Marius** : That Is Too Cute!!

**Marius** : I LobeSeeeinf Yiu Two Ktogteherrfffffrrr

**Cassette** : Marius is having some sort of malfunction 

**_Marius_ ** _ has left the conversation  _

**Cassette** : Ah

**Cassette** : I see

**Cassette** : Anyways 

**_Cassette_ ** _ has logged off!  _

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Okay but Enjolras expressing affection is honestly too adorable 

**R** : enjowwas wuvs me uwu

**Enjolras** : I changed my mind, I hate you. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has deleted a chat! _

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : BAHAHAHAHAHA

**R** : :(((((

**R** :  [ https://youtu.be/EEvopkbc4FE ](https://youtu.be/EEvopkbc4FE)

**Combeferre** : I don’t trust that

**R** : it’s just my heartbreak spotify playlist 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : R we can see that its a YouTube link 

**R** : shshshshshshshshhh

**Enjolras** : What did I just watch. 

**R** : oh you know 

**Enjolras** : Evidently I don't, given that I am asking the question. 

**R** : haha i love you

**Enjolras** : Love you too 

**Enjolras** : Since apparently it’s my birthday can I come over?

**R** : you can come whenever you want 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Oh no

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : pls keep ur weird foreplay and puns away from my good Christian group chat 

**Combeferre** : You’re Jewish

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : tHe RuLe StiLl StAnDs

**Combeferre** : Actually I do agree with him

**Combeferre** : Stop borderline sexting here and just fuck it’s not that hard

**R** : haha

**Combeferre** : There is no joke there 

**Combeferre** : Go

**Enjolras** : Rude. 

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged off! _

**R** : this is not how you treat the birthday boy

**_R_ ** _ has logged off! _

**V is for Van-Chetta** : We should have a surprise party for them

**Combeferre** : It’s not really a surprise is it’s in the group chat though, 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Like he'll check it 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : hes got other things to do ;)))))

**Combeferre** : Stop

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : :((((

**V is for Van-Chetta:** Meet at the Musain?

**Combeferre** : Coming now 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : omw rn

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged off! _

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged off! _

**_V is for Van-Chetta_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooo
> 
> i wrote my own original work and i uploaded it here, so if you wanna check it out you can go on my profile, and it’ll be called “14 July, 1942”
> 
> sorry i just had to self promo 
> 
> i hope everyone enjoyed !!
> 
> god im going to sleep now


	14. IM SORRY FOR WRITING A JREG FIC INSTEAD OF UPDATING THIS DHDHDHD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS 
> 
> im sorry i havent updated this since like july ive hit a bit of a writers block in general and just.,.,.,. do not wish to write because my brain hates me 
> 
> also my newest hyperfixation has become atla somehow so speak to me about zuko pLEASE
> 
> sorry if this chapter is all over the place or not as good as usual, but its longer than usual bc i feel bad about leaving for so long fhdhdhd
> 
> also i did call myself out at the end 
> 
> enjoy ?? hopefully ???

**_R_ ** _ has logged on! _

**R** : some french lady and her husband came in today 10 minutes before closing and ordered 4 hot chocolates

**R** : all made differently 🤠

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : bro its france 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : we’re all french

**R** : well she was like

**R** : annoyingly french

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ???

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : u know who ur dating right ?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : literally the human embodiment of france

**R** : ok well

**R** : yanno

**R** : 🤠

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : what the actual fuck

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Combeferre** : While that IS wonderful, would anyone like to help me with something?

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : NOSIES

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : NOT IT

**R** : FUCK

**R** : hi combeferre what can i do for you

**Combeferre** : Oh Grantaire, great! I was actually hoping it would be you. 

**R** : uh oh

**Combeferre** : Would you like to have a conversation with someone on why legally changing your first name to say-

**Combeferre** : Marianne

**Combeferre** : Would be an ultimately bad idea. Especially if you are a cis man who goes by his last name anyways. 

**Combeferre** : Good meme; but not worth it. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : im sorry wut

**R** : i genuinely dont think i can do anything there

**R** : @  **Enjolras**

**R** : hey honey 

**R** : why

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Enjolras** : I fail to see an issue ?

**R** : ok im bringing in the logical ppl

**R** : @ **Cassette, Jehan, Foo Fighter, V is for Van-Chetta, Jelly Belly**

**_Cassette_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_V is for Van-Chetta_ ** _ has logged on! _

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _ has logged on! _

**Foo Fighter** : Hey y’all I am at WORK

**Foo Fighter** : Whatever dumb fucking thing Enj wants to do

**Foo Fighter** : Don’t let him

**Enjolras** : Feuilly it’s not dumb. 

**Foo Fighter** : Enjolras I love and respect you

**Foo Fighter** : You fight the good fight and you’re a great person

**Foo Fighter** : But you’re also fucking stupid

**Foo Fighter** : So I think that’s honestly all I need to say 

**_Foo Fighter_ ** _ has logged off! _

**R** : i feel like feuilly was prolly our best chance not gonna ngl

**Jehan** : what the fuck is not gonna ngl

**Jehan** : just say ngl you stock-fish

**Jelly Belly** : Stock-fish ??

**Jelly Belly** : Is that some sort of food poisoning ????

**Jehan** : no dw joly its not

**Jehan** : its me insulting grantaire but i doubt he got it 

**R** : mcscuse me you damned and luxurious mountain goat

**Jehan** : ok chill you elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Before this goes too far

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Are we gonna talk about Enj or no

**Enjolras** : No. 

**Jehan** : i thought feuilly shamed him enough

**Enjolras** : How did he shame me ??

**R** : he hit you w the 

**R** : love u but ur fucking braindead

**R** : then peaced out

**Enjolras** : Wait do you think he hates me ??

**Jehan** : no but you’ve disappointed him

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Cassette:** You broke him

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : wel that’s unfortunate <3

**Jelly Belly** : Wait R what constitutes “annoyingly French” ???

**R** : if youre rlly french but not blond or hot or tall or have blue eyes or like red or have your ringtone set to la marseillaise or werent born on july 14th or hot or named enjolras 

**R** : if youre v french and have none of those characteristics then please never interact with me <3

**Jehan** : yikee

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Do you mean “yikes” ?

**Jehan** : no

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Fair enough, have a great day luv

**Jehan** : 🥺🥺🥺

**Jelly Belly** : Am I annoyingly French ??????

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : noah fence but i literally forget we’re french sometimes

_**Enjolras** _ _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : How can you forget. 

**Enjolras** : We’re literally from the most beautiful country in the world. 

**R** : what about corsica

**Enjolras** : Well seen that does not COUNT. 

**Cassette** : Hey Enj guess what

**Enjolras** : What. 

**Cassette** : Ur Corsican lol

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has left the conversation _

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : wow what a little bitch

**Jehan** : HEHDHDHSHDH

**Combeferre** : Hm, very direct

**Jelly Belly** : That’s not very nice :((((((

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Kinda funny tho 

**_Cassette_ ** _ has added  _ **_Enjolras_ ** _ to the conversation! _

_**Enjolras** _ _has logged on!_

**Enjolras** : Rude 

**Cassette** : What are we even talking about 

**V is for Van-Chetta** : No clue

**R** : well who wants a story

**Combeferre** : I feel I should be worried

**R** : well its not bAD

**Combeferre** : I shall be turning a blind eye 

**_Combeferre_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Jelly Belly** : Before you start 

**Jelly Belly** : I made vegan cupcakes !!!!!!!

**Jelly Belly** : In case anyone wants some :)))

**Cassette** : Omw I’m going to eat all of them

**Jelly Belly** : Not a very healthy choice

**Cassette** : I genuinely could not care less

**V is for Van-Chetta** : See you when you get here Sette

**_Cassette_ ** _ has logged off! _

**V is for Van-Chetta** : I’ll be setting aside like 10 in case anyone wants one before Cosette eats them all 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : ill be by later 

**Jelly Belly** : :))))))))

**_Jelly Belly_ ** _ has logged off! _

**V is for Van-Chetta** : Y’all can just swing by later 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : will do >:)

**_V is for Van-Chetta_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Jehan** : did grantaire have a story 

**R** : yeah but i just wanted to get us on a topic again lol

**Enjolras** : Let’s hear it. 

**R** : ok wow uh thats a little threatening 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : speech !!!

**R** : i saw this kid recently, and they just sorta stopped me on the street and were like 

**R** : dont worry, i havent forgotten about y’all

**R** : then they gave some huge dramatic sigh and said

**R** : sorry about the political compass fic lol 🥴

**Jehan** : did they do the emoji out loud ??????

**R** : YES AND I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : well i for one like them

**Enjolras** : Seems like the type of person to be failing chem. 

**Enjolras** : Tell them to do better. 

**R** : yeah sure lemme just whip out my phone and call them rn 

**Jehan** : why would you whip out your phone if youre texting us on it

**R** : you know what i meant 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : no i dont lol

**Jehan** : WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT WHY DOES THIS GC GO TO HELL EVERYTIME ANYONE TEXTS

**R** : oh yanno

**Enjolras** : If you type “oh yanno” one more time I an going to fucking kill you. 

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : oh no jojo said the fuck word 😳😳😳

**Enjolras** : Hey Courf. 

**Jehan** : oh no

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : yes m enjolras ?

**Enjolras** : Number 2 🤠

**Courfey-racks-on-racks** : fUCk FUCK FCKC FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF FUCK FUCKF CUKF FCKC

**_Courfey-racks-on-racks_ ** _ has logged off! _

**_Enjolras_ ** _ has logged off! _

**Jehan** : how have they not killed eachother yet

**R** : thats between e and god 

**Jehan** : fair point

**Jehan** : do you wanna go raid joly’s stash of vegan cupcakes

**R** : oh jehan my love i thought youd never ask ;)

**_Jehan_ ** _ has logged off! _

**_R_ ** _ has logged off! _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop i hope it was good
> 
> once again, the stupid hot chocolate story is my own lol, and work is actually the reason i didnt post at all during aug/sept bc i was working like 40+ hours a week and just had no time to do anything but n e ways
> 
> i actually am trying to write and finish some more stuff up rn lol so hopefully thatll be out before 2021 ??
> 
> also i wrote this mainly in chem so thats why i am currently not doing too hot in that class 
> 
> anyways i love you all and thanks for sticking with this
> 
> oh btw, i know i should know but uhhhh does anyone remember if marius is currently in the chat lol

**Author's Note:**

> and that’s that !
> 
> everyone else is gonna come in in the next few chapters dw
> 
> and dw abt this derailing my main fic, im still working on it !
> 
> much love to all my readers <3


End file.
